Folks, we hope you're hungry.
Because Farrah Abraham is serving up a generous helping of word salad.
This probably won't be your first encounter with Farrah-speak -- the strange, nonsensical manner in which Ms. Abraham tries to communicate with the world -- but the former Teen Mom star's latest interview might be her most ridiculous to date.
Not only does Farrah admit that fourth-grade math is beyond her capabilities, she also explains why you should pay her to teach you how to run a business.
If it were anyone other than Farrah, it would be too good to be true.
Take a look:
Farrah sat down for an interview on a new web series entitled Ciao Bella By Valentina.
Shout Out to Valentina
We know, it sounds like a snooty YouTube show for people who go to fashion week, but the host deserves at least mild props for coaxing some mind-blowingly bonkers quotes out of our girl.
Obviously, choosing Farrah as the first guest on your web show is a seriously questionable move, but in this case, it worked out.
Valentina gets to drum up some press for her new show, we get to chuckle at some grade-A nonsense, and Farrah gets to promote her new project.
And what is that new project? Well, Farrah wants to teach you to run a business, of course!
Check out the ad for Farrah's Master Class. We hope her first lesson in sensible business management is "don't give money to people like Farrah Abraham."
And here's Farrah boasting about her Big Business Brain on Ciao Bella.
Breaking It Down
Don't worry, in case you can't handle the entire 15-minute interview (It's a slog, believe us.), the folks at Starcasm have collected some of the top quotes from this morass of nonsense:
Starts Out Coherent
"My Master Class is a 20-video entrepreneurship course," Farrah begins. "I thought, you know, out of all the entrepreneurs that are around me and fun, like, they all have their own brands."
Ah Yes, The Famous Stigma Around Getting Rich
"I wanted people to be proud of saying they’re an entrepreneur," Abraham continues. "There’s nothing wrong with it. Like I debunked the stigmas around teen pregnancy, I wanted to debunk the stigmas around entrepreneurship, and do it right."
Wait ... People Are Actually Buying This?
"March 31," Farrah says of the release date. "Pre-orders are, like, going CRAZY! We’ve had over 25,000 people sign up. I’m super-grateful, super-blessed."
On Ripping Off Kourtney Kardashian
"I think we need to stop comparing women," Farrah says of her obvious attempt to copy Kourtney with this pic. "Like, they had just compared me to Kourtney Kardashian the other day because of some fun, like, entrepre–, like, business — business boss girl picture I posted."
"Nothing will ever get in the way of my success — even the hate, the made up lies, these contrived negative things on social media," Abraham blathers on.
"And Sophia’s set up to just totally not even pay attention to cyber bullying when she gets older," Farrah says.
She's Done Hatin'
"Everyone try complimenting ten people on social media today rather than saying anything negative," Farrah advises. "I practice it and I’ve been not hating since."
And She Don't Need No Man
"I feel like I should write a dating book. I feel like I have so much self-love I don’t really get lonely," Farrah reveals.
Except Maybe to Help Her With Long Division
"The one thing I’ve been failing at in 2019 is helping my daughter with her math in fourth grade," the former reality star says. "Girl, I don’t think that’s real math! I mean, I’m in business and I’m not using that math."
But Farrah believes all those multiplication tables are worth it when Sophia helps her skip the line at customs.
So Having a Kid WAS Worth It!
"When I go on my own, I think I feel more, like, endangered in a way," she says. "Because, like, I’ll get held up at customs traveling on my own, and I don’t like that. When I’m with Sophie, no holdups, no security checks — it’s like they get it: I’m a mom. So there’s a perk to traveling as a pair."
Crazy Rich Farrah
And what is Sophia's favorite travel destination these days? "I would say, her favorite place right now is Singapore, because we really — you know, Crazy, Rich Asians, the phenomenon of the movie," Farrah reveals. "We love that culture, and I think bringing more Asian culture into our home right now is where we’re at."
As for that meltdown Farrah had when Sophia forgot she went to college? Um ... it was for a show! Yeah, that's it!
It Never Ends
"I had a little mini-breakdown when my daughter could not remember some of the things that I repeatedly have told her every year recently for one of our shows," Farrah concludes. Sigh. Never change, Farrah. Jk, please change immediately for the sake of your daughter.