90 Day Fiance Happily Ever After: Asuelu's Sister ATTACKS Kalani

Angela Deem and Michael Ilesanmi

Last week’s episode ended in Angela yelling and screeching in rage after seeing Michael suggest to his aunt that his culture might play some role in his day-to-day married life with Angela. She stormed off and declared that the wedding was off.

Michael just wants peace

Michael wants to please his verbally abusive fiancee — which is exactly the sort of feverish, eager-to-please behavior that her behavior is designed to instill. He is driving home … to where Angela is waiting for him.

She gives him such a hateful, menacing look

Fortunately, the cameras are there. Angela may not care enough about other people to refrain from smoking indoors like it’s The Purge, but she probably won’t escalate beyond yelling on camera, right? Not every 90 Day Fiance star is Anfisa.

She unloads her fury

Angela has repeatedly insisted that she will respect Michael’s culture, with no evidence of that cropping up anywhere. She also insists that her yelling is “her culture.” While we don’t doubt that she’s not the first person in her family to yell, being verbally abusive to your partners is not excused by nationality, culture, or anything else. No one deserves to be treated the way that she treats Michael.

She kicks him out

Threatening to stay at a hotel, she tells Michael to get both himself and his possessions out of her sight. Ugh.

They speak again

The next day, Michael is still trying to make this relationship work (Michael, please run) while Angela smokes indoors like it’s 1983. Angela learns that his brother is bringing his mother over.

Tensions are high

But Michael’s mother says that she still gives her blessing with Michael and Angela having an “equal” relationship.

Her reasoning makes sense

After all, she admits, if he loves her, he’ll just be miserable with someone else. Unfortunately, she may not realize that he’ll be miserable with her, too. Angela’s idea of an “equal partnership” has her being much more “equal” than Michael. No one deserves what she has to offer.

Elizabeth Potthast and Andrei Castravet

They are at the airport to pick up family — Elizabeth’s mom, Pamela, her sister, Jenn, and her stepdad. Elizabeth’s story had really glossed over her parents being divorced, which is a GREAT example of how reality TV editing and production choices can depict a dishonest reflection of reality. Anyway, Andrei promises to not cause problems.

Here they are!

Straight talk — we know that Elizabeth’s family is very clearly voluntarily assuming an antagonistic role in order to help Elizabeth with her reality career. That is actually really nice of them. Even if it means being bad guests.

Jenn dives headfirst into the Season Villain role

She is immediately negging the weather for being “gloomy,” which honestly makes Moldova sound like a vacation destination for me (a quick glance at some other things about the country, uh, counteract that). Remember, these are people from Florida; they have the same ideas about desirable weather as particularly masochistic palm trees. Anyway, we love Jenn and we’re glad that she’s here.

She gives Andrei a hard time

Andrei loudly declares that he is not taking the bait, even good-naturedly (really!) joking that he shouldn’t even have picked her up from the airport. If this were a romantic comedy, this trip would be about Elizabeth realizing that she doesn’t want to be married to Andrei, and Andrei and Jenn resolving their tension by having Mistake Sex. But this is not a romantic comedy.

Andrei is being SO good

We don’t mean to praise a man simply for “acting like a human being and not a particularly ill-tempered gorilla,” so we won’t, but it was nice to see Andrei behave.

It continued at the family gathering

The Potthasts and the Castravets had a little welcoming get together and things went well. Andrei was happy that Elizabeth was proud of him. She told him that it was “sexy” that he wasn’t “being an asshole,” which is pretty basic positive reinforcement.

The next morning …

The Potthasts (okay, mostly just Jenn and Chuck) are roasting Moldovan food, claiming that they don’t know what many of the dishes are. Jenn expects to lose weight during the trip because she doesn’t like the food. Girl, there is a whole plate of plump, fresh grapes on the table in front of you. (Again, I love Jenn, but they’re GRAPES)

It’s time to fill the ladies in

They get told a version of events about the grilling of Andrei and his hostile reaction. Jenn is excited to do some sleuthing of her own, looking into Andrei’s past. (The stuff about Andrei’s past is ALL for the cameras, very clearly, to needlessly cause conflict, but it’s nice of Elizabeth’s family to do this for her)

The investigation begins

Jenn, instead of asking Andrei to his face or drunkenly trying to fight him, instead chats with his sister-in-law while Elizabeth is in the dressing room, getting a woman who works at the store to translate. Retail workers, all over the world, are not paid enough.

So yes, she saw the fight

And she admits that she has seen Andrei’s hostile behavior before, but not like she saw with Elizabeth’s folks.

Elizabeth, dressed like a nesting doll, tells them to cut it out

She reiterates that having a second, Moldovan wedding is something that she promised Andrei’s family, and one that she plans to keep.

Larissa Lima and Eric Nichols

Larissa is at some sort of high-end furniture store with Eric, which seems as good of a setting as any for them to have a talk. (If it weren’t for producer interference, you know that 90% of all of these scenes would be in the same rooms of the same houses)

OH WOW

The couch that she sits on and likes is, full on, the price of one that Kris Jenner would buy and has bought for her house. Neither Larissa nor Eric are worth the 8-9 figures that have any business buying a couch like that. Even a low-end millionaire would be wasting an absurd amount of money on the purchase. Anyway, as Eric points out, the couch is priced like it’s a car.

So …

Larissa laments that Eric was “cheap” in the past, something that she has said before.

She wants to see if he has changed

Even Larissa’s diehard fans know that this is deeply silly, and on some level, so does Larissa herself.

Out with it!

Larissa would “like to do a boob job.” She does not mean a sex act, despite her phrasing. She wants to undergo elective surgery to make her breasts largier and, perhaps, perkier.

That’s not all

She also wants a nose job — to which Eric protests, as he loves her nose. (He’s right — we can’t say that we’ve seen much of her breasts, which is just fine, but her nose is fine! Cute, even)

This isn’t about Eric

Larissa emphasizes that this is about her “satisfaction as a woman.” She also hints that Eric’s disparaging comments are part of what is spurring her. (Folks, she may have body dysmorphia, which is when people irrationally perceive flaws that do not exist in their bodies and fixate on them)

Plus, Eric is hot

Larissa unfortunately body-shames Colt, referencing that he is overweight, while explaining that she wants to be hot because she’s with Eric. We know that it’s a cultural difference, but Larissa could talk about all sorts of things about Colt instead of his weight. His cheating, his fondness for mind games, his general creepiness, his unhealthy relationship with his mom, etc. Instead, she talks about his body. She needs to cut that out.

Her nose job plans are a little confusing

Eric isn’t sure why she’d want to change, and her explanation sounds … worse … than her actual nose (a nose that we and Eric like). But whatever, it’s her body. She could go Full Voldemort and cut off her nose and she’d have that right, but we wouldn’t recommend it.

Eric stresses that he doesn’t want this

He affirms that Larissa is a total hottie right now and he doesn’t want her to think that she needs to change, at least not for him.

Anyway … she wants him to pay for it

Eric ends up talking to Larissa about drawing up a contract for her to pay him back, with some interest, if he helps her get these procedures. That is smart. Remember, if you “loan” someone money without any documentation and they decide to not pay you back, your hands are tied because you gave them a “gift” of money. A handshake is not a signature.

Tania Maduro and Syngin Colchester

They’re preparing for a braai, a tradtional South African BBQ, with Syngin’s family, and Syngin is already making jokes about drinking. Honestly? If they’re happiest together, we’re totally rooting for these two. They’re both good people who deserve to be happy.

Okay WOW

Again, this is another one of those weird cultural difference things. At the same time, Syngin doesn’t meet any defintion of “fat” that you’ll find outside of a pro-ana blog.

The whole family is there

Dylan, looking like a Musketeer (that is a compliment) has to have his leg up because of his own health issue, so the family is spread out for the cameras instead of all seated at the table. But the awkwardness has just begun.

Then, Syngin drops a bombshell

He talks about shopping for land with Tania … and then declares that he “wouldnt’ want to buy land” anywhere but South Africa. This is … not part of their plans.

Obviously, it’s Syngin’s choice

Syngin could choose to simply remain in South Africa if he chose. But where does that leave Tania?

Tania has strong opinions

Acknowledging that America has its issues, she says honestly that she does not want to raise children in South Africa. She is not the first 90 Day Fiance star to state this, either. There is a lot of racism — to which America is no stranger.

Things break down quickly

There’s a lot of talk about plans, structure, simply drifting through life … and Tania feels understandably overwhelmed that Syngin decided to open this can of worms at his parents’ house. She starts crying.

It’s rough

His parents acknowledge that Tania’s reaction was a lot, which it was.

Tania goes to eat alone

In the meantime, we see snippets of what the family things. Syngin’s smokeshow of a brother says that Tania needs to have realistic expectations of who Syngin is and how much or how little he might change. And his sister notes that she wonders if her own future marriage will have conflicts like that.

Tania is still processing

She understandably resents the way that Syngin put her on the spot like that. There are ways to say that it’s nice to be visiting home without putting your wife in the hot seat.

But things may be okay

In the confessional, which is generally filmed after the fact, the two are joking around. She talks about “leveling up” as a person, while Syngin replies by reminding her that he’s not playing “Super Mario.” Amazing that this is the first video game that comes to his mind. Like it’s the ’90s.

Colt Johnson and Jess Caroline

Colt is back in Vegas and it has been some time since he was in Brazil. In that time, he and Jess have broken up multiple times. Things haven’t again been as good as they were before the night when (thanks to Debbie) Jess found out that Colt had no problem lying to her.

He calls Jess

Their Facetime conversation, though clearly planned, is awkward from the start

So …

Colt has not told Jess that, during one of their breakups, he began speaking to other women, because he knows that she will be jealous. Of course, we only have Colt’s word that he started talking to them during a breakup. Famously, in 2018, he was still living with and married to Larissa when he started swapping nudes with side pieces. It seems that, in Colt’s mind, it’s only cheating if he can’t lie his way out of it.

Jess is coming to Vegas

But she does not want to meet Vanessa, despite his past suggestions that this should happen. (Fun fact: this desire is about to be very funny)

Debbie won’t be thrilled

Jess knows that Debbie doesn’t like her. As Larissa warned her, Debbie is “a wolf,” and Jess didn’t believe her at first. Now, she knows better.

This is a great line

Jess knows that Debbie doesn’t like her, but she thinks that she can overcome that. She likely cannot, because Colt refuses to cut the umbilical cord, but she doens’t know that … yet.

“My problem … is you.”

Jess reminds Colt that he has some work to do in the area of honesty. In the meantime, he offers that she can stay with him at his house (with Debbie) … and specifically in his bedroom.

It’s hard to trust him

It should be! She should not trust him, because Colt is lying to her at that very moment, and not just about having reached out to other women during their on-again, off-again.

He needs to be honest with her

Colt straight-up says that he’s not being honest with her long-distance because he’s afraid that she’ll break up then and there. Folks, that is not a good reason.

He chats with Debbie

The two get some very tempting looking frozen yogurt while he tells his mother that Jess will be coming to Vegas.

Debbie is not thrilled

No, she’s astonished. Her impression was that things with Jess were pretty much over. That’s not the only reason.

Colt of course makes a condom joke

I’d like to believe that Colt makes sex jokes to his mom for the camera. It’s not that mothers and sons can’t joke about sex, but sometimes Colt’s innuendo towards his mom seems … well, eyebrow-raising. So anyway, we hope that he’s doing it to deliberately weird out fans to boost his reality TV career or whatever.

Then they drop a bombshell

Jess doesn’t know this, but shortly after they returned from Brazil, Vanessa needed a place to stay. Vanessa, Colt’s former friend-with-benefits, the one about whom he lied to Jess by saying that they weren’t friends anymore? The one Jess doesn’t want to meet? She’s living with Colt and Debbie. And she’ll be living there when Jess visits.

Kalani Faagata and Asuelu Pulaa

Kalani meets with Asuelu’s mother and sister by the water to have a serious conversation after Asuelu had previously stood up to them and not met their demands that he fork over $1,000 as a gift, per Samoan custom.

Asuelu’s mom cuts right to the chase

Remind me to text this screenshot to family members this holiday season. Anyway, Asuelu’s mom just wants cash … at first … and continues to ignore Kalani’s protests that this isn’t how this works, that Asuelu’s first obligation is to his kids (and his wife). He has a part-time job and two children. Where is he going to come up with $1,000?

From Kalani’s parents!

They think that Kalani’s parents, who are already helping them out, should either just give them the money to give to Asuelu’s mom or give them enough money that Asuelu’s meager earnings can go to them. That’s a no.

They then demand that Kalani get a job

We recognize that there is a cultural difference, as Samoan elders expect to be paid by younger people. We can recognize that there are many beautiful cultural differences in the world and also recognize that this particular one is just a pyramid scheme across generations, and not financially feasible for anyone living in the US. It is patently absurd to demand that Kalani stop taking care of her kids so that she can get a job to support Asuelu’s family, who are able-bodied adults.

Then they get nasty

You thought that they were rude before? They basically accuse her of pregnancy-trapping Asuelu. One, why? She’s the one “with money” in their eyes. Two, Asuelu is the one who thinks that condoms are for “slut people.” Kalani points out how ridiculous they are, but that’s not the end of it. It gets worse.

WHAT A LINE

“I don’t care about the kids” is a fine thing to say when stan Twitter is being obnoxious. It is an awful thing for a grandmother to say about her own grandchildren.

Kalani cannot believe it

Kalani has some of the best facial expressions in the franchise. Meanwhile, Asuelu’s family says that they want to take him back to Samoa so that he can labor for their benefit. They want him to, if we’re hearing this correctly, abandon his wife and children to go be their indentured servant.

W H A T

Kalani has had enough because these hellclowns are acting like they cannot even hear themselves. So she walks off.

Not on Tammy’s watch

Asuelu’s sister lunges at Kalani, in full view of the cameras.

Her mom has to hold her back

Kalani, head held high, wisely walks the other way. She knows that if she’s attacked, the camera will show it. She’s sure that she can drop Tammy. She also knows that producers will rush in to save her if necessary. Meanwhile, Tammy looks like a frothing-at-the-mouth lunatic.

It’s on SIGHT

Tammy says that the next time that she sees Kalani, she will beat her up. Kalani, it is time for a restraining order. Use this footage.

She tells it to Asuelu

“Wow” is a huge understatement.

At first, he’s doing well

Asuelu acknowledges that his family went way too far.

But then

What starts as gentle yet juvenile joking about who would win in a fight between Kalani and Tammy — which is so not the point — turns into Asuelu asking Kalani to be careful how she talks about his family. After what she just went through, she is entitled to rant.

Kalani cries

She feels so unhappy at this point in her marriage and she is unsure if she wants to continue on like this. Who could blame her?

90 Day Fiance: Happily Ever After? Season 5 Episode 11 star Kalani Faagata speaks with Asuelu Pulaa’s mother and sister. It goes poorly.