Wednesday Reads: Franny and Zooey, Part “Zooey” 38183

According to a recent survey, one in four Americans didn???t read a book last year. As a public service, we look back on all the classics you only read the Cliffs Notes for.

Last week, we brought you Franny, and reminded everyone that “Franny” and “Zooey” are really two separate stories. ???Zooey??? is set a little after “Franny.” Both can stand alone, but like shampoo and conditioner, they work better together.

So contrary to that episode of Sex & The City when Carrie dates an impotent writer who has sisters named Franny and Zooey, Zooey is a boy. For our moeny, if you???re going to pretentiously name your child after a Salinger character, Zooey short for Zachary is the way to go. It’s less obvious than Holden and a lot less lame.

The story starts with an introduction by Buddy Glass, its fictional author. But let???s not get all post-modern about what that means and skip to the action.

Zooey is in the bathtub, reading an old letter Buddy wrote him on the anniversary of their older brother Seymour???s suicide. The letter really isn???t about Seymour; it???s about Zooey???s acting career. Buddy thinks that Zooey is too smart to go into acting, but tells him if he???s going to do it, to do it all the way.

After he finishes the letter, his mom Bessie comes in, which is sort of awkward because Zooey is still in the tub. Bessie is a bit of a sitcom mom: she???s embarrassing, a little dumb, but generally-good hearted and well-intentioned. Also, she???s lost two kids. Along with Seymour, who was everyone’s favorite, Walt died in a freakish explosion. So even though Bessie wears a gross kimono, it???s hard to hate on her.

Anyway, Bessie is worried about a lot of things, but mostly that Franny is having a spiritual crisis. Remember last time how Franny was repeating the heartbeat prayer? Well, she???s taken that act home, and like everyone on the Upper East Side, she is on the verge of a breakdown.

Zooey goes into Franny???s room and talks to her. Like before, everything is ???so phony??? to Franny. She hates her professors???they???re egomaniacs; she hates her classmates???they???re competitive, and on and on.

Zooey calls her out, and is like, ???stop hating on everything.??? Which is true, hating pretense is sort of a pretension. Feel free to think about that alone at night. Zooey leaves the room and things are sort of awkward.

To make things better, Zooey goes into Seymour and Buddy???s old room and calls the house line from Seymour???s private line. (As timeless as J.D. Salinger is, it???s hard to follow this plot line???why didn???t Zooey just text her, ???sorry, feel better :)????

Anyway, on the phone Zooey makes a lot of the same points, but is less of a dick about it. The basic idea is everyone, from the frat guys in Murray Hill to the Park Slope moms, deserve some respect as human beings.

If your takeaway from “Franny” was that phonies suck, your takeaway from “Zooey” is that phonies may have characteristics that suck, but try to love them anyway.