Talk Of The Tabs 38133

Not much has happened over the past week, hence the random covers featuring Ricki Lake and Suri Cruise and everyone’s favorite standby, Brangelina. This time, the Bauer siblings are in almost total agreement! In Touch and Life & Style are both reporting that Brad and Angelina are on the rocks (again). Sigh. It’s almost like the two magazines are becoming one….

Meanwhile, Britney Spears’ stock (or what’s left of it, anyway) continues to plummet, with Us Weekly reporting that Brit hates the judge in her custody case. Shocking, y’all! However, it’s In Touch that asks (and then answers) the question on everyone’s mind: Why doesn’t Britney wear underwear?

So let Intern Whitney guide you to a place where news-that’s-not-really-news reigns supreme, and read to your hearts’ content about Nicole Richie’s pregnancy issues, Lindsay and Owen’s sobriety issues and The Hills‘ reality issues.

US Weekly
Cover: Growing up Suri! In an effort to make the country less jealous of Suri Cruise’s blissful infancy, Us shows a picture of what appears to be (alleged) father Tom Cruise attacking his 18-month-old daughter. Then Tom says, “Every night before I go to bed, I tell my kids my dreams.” Oh, come now! Don’t you think Suri’s a little young to hear about your secret fantasy of writing, directing and starring in Brokeback Mountain 2?
• Britney apparently hates her judge, and based on recent court orders, it seems as though the feeling’s mutual. We can’t even read the story, however, because we’re so distracted by the picture of Britney’s dog, London wearing what appears to be a denim vest and polka dot doggie skirt.
• Fall Flings! And by “flings,” we mean “two people who were maybe spotted together one time”. These parings include Josh Hartnett and Rihanna, Jessica Simpson and Orlando Bloom, Cameron Diaz and Bradley Cooper, and Carrie Underwood and Gossip Girl’s Chance Crawford.

In Touch
Cover: Brangelina’s romance is over. (OMG, finally!) Brad tries to plan romantic date nights, but Angelina occasionally shoots him down, opting to spend quality time with the kids instead. And if that doesn’t spell “impending split,” we don’t know what does.
• Why Britney doesn’t wear underwear? In Touch has the answer! According to an unnamed friend of Britney’s says that “she just doesn’t like to.” Apparently, Spears has a similar adversity to walking in a straight line, driving with a valid license and not dressing her dog up in stupid outfits.
• The Hills is fake? No way! In Touch investigates this crazy allegation with the seriousness it deserves. What’s real: Lauren and Heidi really do hate each other, Whitney really does work at Teen Vogue, and Spencer really did dump Brody for “rolling with the enemy.” And while Audrina and Justin Bobby began dating after some “gentle” encouragement from the producers, their “love” has blossomed into an actual relationship. What’s fake? Well, besides Heidi’s new nose and boobs, the apartment she shares with Spencer, because they actually live with Spencer’s parents. Thereby suggesting they just may have been “tipped off” to the engagement.

Life & Style
Cover: Angelina turns her back on Brad! A witness reports he saw Angelina and Brad having troubles over dinner, where Angie knocked back six glasses of wine and three shots of vodka. All of which is fairly difficult to stomach (both for us and for Angie) since Jolie’s petite little body would undoubtedly have shut down after her second refill.
• Owen Wilson is apparently (back) off the wagon. Witnesses report that Owen drank heavily two nights in a row at the Viceroy hotel in Santa Monica. His publicist denies the claims, saying he had “just one drink.” Oh, well if it’s just one drink for a recovering substance abuser, what could go wrong?
• In other addict news, Lindsay Lohan is still going to bars but not drinking. Again: Nothing to worry about there.

Star
Cover: Nicole Richie pregnancy trouble! Because Nicole is skinny (who knew?) and battled drugs (who knew?) she worries that her baby will arrive prematurely. We can’t imagine why she’s concerned.
• Star has an exclusive with someone who says Lindsay Lohan stole her fiance while in rehab. If you’re keeping score, this is the second couple reportedly destroyed by LiLo. In other good news, Lindsay’s new boyfriend is a former jailbird, and friends think he could be a bad influence on her. But saying someone is a bad influence on Lohan is sort of like saying someone is a good influence on Mother Teresa. Which is to say annoyingly redundant.
• Spencer Pratt’s dark family secret! The Hills villain’s younger sister was arrested on theft and drug charges in May 2006. “[Her] arrest was like a black mark on their perfect family.” … That is, until her big bro’s MTV debut.

OK!
Cover: The big “secret” behind Ricki Lake’s weight loss: She exercised and ate healthy foods. Her new body, however, has not found her a man, and she’s on the prowl. Gentlemen? Lock your doors.
• Exclusive pictures of Pamela Anderson and Rick Salomon’s wedding prove it was even trashier than imagined, despite OK!’s best efforts to “classy it up” by printing the photos in black and white. Pam called the wedding “unpretentious and super-genuine,” and OK! described it as “tasteful.” Um, have they seen the photos? The groom is wearing a beanie and the bride is in what looks to be white denim.
• Ashlee Simpson is changing the release date of her upcoming album because she doesn’t want to go head-to-head with American Idol runner up Blake Lewis. A friend says that “Ashlee hates American Idol, and she thinks the show makes stars out of nobodies, taking credibility away from real musicians.” … And she’s totally right! Especially if you replace the words “American Idol” with “Newlyweds and the word “nobodies” with “Ashlee.”