• At a W magazine party honoring Jessica Simpson’s new stylist, Simpson commandeers the balcony and makes sure her security guards are there to protect her from the wayward glances of non-famous people.
• David Beckham is sidelined for the rest of the season; “NOOOOOO!” cries the LA Galaxy, everyone who bought non-refundable tickets.
• Not content with merely exploiting every solitary moment of Owen Wilson’s public breakdown, the mainstream media changes direction and focuses its attention on ruining the life of his equally famous brother, Luke.
• Certified MILF Bridget Moynahan takes her baby out for his semi-public debut, presumably, after dressing him in his coveted “Supermodel” onesie.
• Natalie Portman, seen through the eyes of a total pervert.
• Professional Jackass Johnny Knoxville didn’t take out a billboard with Luke Wilson’s private, unlisted phone number on it or anything. He just hired a plane to hover around some B-list party in Malibu with a flier.
• Did you hear? Lindsay is innocent of all charges and she was totally framed by the police! Like O.J.! Also, she has the excuse-making abilities of a thirteen year-old girl caught smoking ciggies in the girls’ lavatory.
• Next time, Paris feels like drugging Tyler Atkins, she may want to go with something more potent.
• Jay-Z and Jermaine Dupri went from rapping together on “Money Ain’t A Thing” to facing off in some bizarre mogul-to-mogul standoff over (you guessed it) money.
CONTINUED »
• 50 Cent announces he’ll be leaving the music biz to focus his energies entirely towards his one true passion: getting shot.
• Orlando Bloom is ready to fall in love, still hoping against hope that he’ll find Mr. Right an awesome new girlfriend.
• Kanye West: “I’ve known my mom since I was zero years old. She is quite dope.” Fortunately for Mrs. West, her son is kind of a “dope” as well.
• Oprah Winfrey learns her father is writing a tell-all about his famous progeny; the book is said to be less fictitious than James Frey, and almost as boring as “The Secret.”
• Check out all the accomplished politicians, Pulitzer Prize winning authors and billionaires who were once rejected by Harvard admissions! It’s all kind of empowering, until you remember that your parents are still paying your cell phone bill.
• Meanwhile, Britney Spears naively hopes a B-12 shot will put the “zap” back into those lip-syncing routines.
• Those zany Wilson brothers are at it again! Their latest hijinks? Firing their own mother! Oh, the tomfoolery…
• Despite Fox 411 gossip Roger Friedman starting rumors about Studio 60 getting canceled, the latest word is that NBC has ordered a full season.
• Bill Cosby settles sexual assault suit, remains grumpy old guy.
• Britney Spears has teamed up with former manager Larry Rudolph — and likely didn’t tell K-Fed about it. Booyah! (She’s still not rehired Leslie Sloane Zelnik, but that hasn’t kept her off Letterman.)
• Luke Wilson is a dirty man whore and Kate Beckinsale doesn’t eat. No news is good news!
• Michael Jackson opts not to perform the song most likely to have people calling him a freak.
• Luke Wilson clings to his last shred of dignity, telling the whole world “I will never make a movie with Jessica Simpson.” Good boy, Luke. Very good. [Scoop]
• Candace Bushnell’s new radio show launches tonight, and will guest star Cynthia Rowley and Paula Froelich. As long as Jessica Joffe never makes an appearance, we’ll tune in. [Page Six]
• Jon Stewart tells Ann Coulter she should write a book about “Mother Teresa shoving a dick in her eye.” Lovely. Oh, and Stewart’s 2-year-old was in the audience shouting “dada.” More lovely. [R&M]
• Despite their recent publisher drop-out, Maer Roshan says Radar is going “full steam ahead.” We didn’t know people still talked like that. [WWD]
• Scarlett Johansson insists on telling everyone she’s not a slut. Even though nobody asked or called her a whore or cares if she’s getting laid. Really, Lindsay Lohan has the only cunt we care about. [AP]
• Eminem and Kim Mathers set the date for their wedding. They even sent invitations and everything. (This is how you measure the true unclassiness of Britney Spears and Kevin Federline.) [Contact Music]
• Luke Wilson????????s Christmas package finally arrives, just a few days too late. [A Socialite’s Life]
• Oh, did you really take that Sean Lennon date request seriously? Yeah, he was just kidding. [NYP]
• A movie about how perfect the lives of supermodels are? Um, we think we’re gonna’ take a pass. [AP News]
• Well, we guess those supermodels have their own set of problems. Like when their toddler-aged children flick people off. [A Socialites’ Life]
• After Michael Jackson’s Neverland zoo animals watch VH1: Hollywood’s top 10 anorexics, they decide to join Lindsay Lohan and Nicole Richie in the starvation craze. [Page Six]
• You know Star—always so on top of the news. Their breaking story today? The past two years of Jessica Simpson’s bed-hopping escapades.[Star]
• Elton John isn’t the only really gay thing in the news today—Ryan Seacrest gets yet another job. [People]
• We love when hottie celebrities get smashed all over New York! Ok, so we weren’t there for the Luke Wilson/Jhonny Knoxville drunken romp. No biggie. But if any of y’all see Jake Gyllenhaal wandering around NYC, half out of his mind, you better tell us. Seriously, we’ll get really pissed if you don’t. [Page Six]
• Add another item to your list of why you are way tougher than George Clooney: the walk from his private limo to the front steps of NYU was too cold to handle. Try walking to work bitch! [NYO]
• Lindsay Lohan and Keanu Reeves? WTF is going on? [Liz Smith]