How Do You Solve A Problem Like Page Six Magazine? 38398

Although we can???t always shake the nasty habit of writing in the royal we, occasionally one of our editors decides to shake off the cloak of anonymity to write a short, pithy statement long, rambling diatribe about a topic of their choice. Today, Debbie Newman is that editor.

Despite their big dreams, roster of celebrity weekly expatriates and highly unrealistic goals of chipping away at the Sunday Times‘ readership, Page Six Magazine hasn’t made nearly as much of a splash with readers—or potential advertisers—as they would have liked.

And because a friend in need is a friend indeed, we’ve decided to take some time out of our busy schedule to offer them some helpful unsolicited advice. Read on, loyal Sixers, and we’ll tell you everything we know about how not to blow a major magazine launch the first, second or even third time around.

Stop putting boring people no one’s ever really heard of on your covers. We’re talking about you, Kristin Chenoweth! And Jennifer Esposito. And Keri Russell, whom we still residually adore from her longrunning stint on Felicity, but readily acknowledge that she’s not exactly a “name.”

Less “informative” trend-stories. Like the one about the latest rage in men’s bow-ties. (Spoiler: They’re all identical.)

More uplifting/inspirational articles. Like the one about how the base salary of an overworked media blogger falls somewhere in between an impoverished Columbia PhD student and a hairstylist at Shampoo salon.

• Find a way to actually become semi-relatable. Example: That informative article about polyamorists, a predominantly attractive subsection of the general populace prone to grand romantic gestures, spontaneous declarations of love and multiple orgasms? Not exactly something your target audience (of sexually frustrated, involuntarily celibate, 45-65 year-old women who haven’t missed a Liz Smith column in thirty-five years) can really identify with.

It’s all about the writing. If you really want your magazine to be a huge success, stop poaching folks from say, Ok! magazine, and go find yourself some actual writers. The kind who have actual journalism degrees. And editorial/reporting experience that extends beyond the scope of thinky pieces about Britney’s refusal to wear undies. Which brings us to our next rule!

• Don’t let Lydia Hearst be the celebrity guest-diarist. Not just because of the crappy writing (because, let’s face it, Lydia didn’t write a word of that anyway) but because celebrity guest-diarists should, ideally, be in the form of actual celebrities. Who, as it turns out, are often far more interesting than posturing socialites whose sole claims to fame moderate recognizability are nepotism, a debilitating eating disorder and a “secret” boyfriend with gravity-defying scrotum.

• Don’t make outrageous claims you can’t back up. We are, of course, referring to that time Post editor Col Allan said, “The New York Times is as much in our gun sights as the Daily News.” Ambitious? Certainly. But ultimately, highly delusional.

And, last but not least:

Start putting your shit online. Nothing fancy, mind you, just start publishing the articles in plain-vanilla text somewhere where they might, say, generate page views, attract online advertisers, get picked up by other websites and oh, we don’t know, build up a readership that extends beyond the dozen or so denizens who shelled out for the Sunday newspaper.