Although we can???t always shake the nasty habit of writing in the royal we, occasionally one of our editors decides to shake off the cloak of anonymity to write a
short, pithy statement long, rambling diatribe about a topic of their choice. Today, Debbie Newman is that editor.
Despite their big dreams, roster of celebrity weekly expatriates and highly unrealistic goals of chipping away at the Sunday Times‘ readership, Page Six Magazine hasn’t made nearly as much of a splash with readers—or potential advertisers—as they would have liked.
And because a friend in need is a friend indeed, we’ve decided to take some time out of our busy schedule to offer them some helpful unsolicited advice. Read on, loyal Sixers, and we’ll tell you everything we know about how not to blow a major magazine launch the first, second or even third time around.
Stop putting boring people no one’s ever really heard of on your covers. We’re talking about you, Kristin Chenoweth! And Jennifer Esposito. And Keri Russell, whom we still residually adore from her longrunning stint on Felicity, but readily acknowledge that she’s not exactly a “name.”
Less “informative” trend-stories. Like the one about the latest rage in men’s bow-ties. (Spoiler: They’re all identical.)
More uplifting/inspirational articles. Like the one about how the base salary of an overworked media blogger falls somewhere in between an impoverished Columbia PhD student and a hairstylist at Shampoo salon.
• Find a way to actually become semi-relatable. Example: That informative article about polyamorists, a predominantly attractive subsection of the general populace prone to grand romantic gestures, spontaneous declarations of love and multiple orgasms? Not exactly something your target audience (of sexually frustrated, involuntarily celibate, 45-65 year-old women who haven’t missed a Liz Smith column in thirty-five years) can really identify with.
It’s all about the writing. If you really want your magazine to be a huge success, stop poaching folks from say, Ok! magazine, and go find yourself some actual writers. The kind who have actual journalism degrees. And editorial/reporting experience that extends beyond the scope of thinky pieces about Britney’s refusal to wear undies. Which brings us to our next rule!
• Don’t let Lydia Hearst be the celebrity guest-diarist. Not just because of the crappy writing (because, let’s face it, Lydia didn’t write a word of that anyway) but because celebrity guest-diarists should, ideally, be in the form of actual celebrities. Who, as it turns out, are often far more interesting than posturing socialites whose sole claims to
fame moderate recognizability are nepotism, a debilitating eating disorder and a “secret” boyfriend with gravity-defying scrotum.
• Don’t make outrageous claims you can’t back up. We are, of course, referring to that time Post editor Col Allan said, “The New York Times is as much in our gun sights as the Daily News.” Ambitious? Certainly. But ultimately, highly delusional.
And, last but not least:
Start putting your shit online. Nothing fancy, mind you, just start publishing the articles in plain-vanilla text somewhere where they might, say, generate page views, attract online advertisers, get picked up by other websites and oh, we don’t know, build up a readership that extends beyond the dozen or so denizens who shelled out for the Sunday newspaper.
Nice try, but Kristin Chenoweth is anything but boring. Sorry she’s not a drug addict like Blowhan but she has more talent in her pinky toe than anyone of the other shittacious starlets do.
Posted: Nov 14, 2007 at 1:52 pm
shittacious……I don’t find that in my Funk & Wagnalls.
Posted: Nov 14, 2007 at 3:37 pm
ok…Kristin Chenoweth is AWESOME. How can you say that a tony winner and the original Galinda of the hit broadway musical Wicked is BORING. She’s currently on Pushing Daisies which is getting TONS of critic acclaim for its first season. Lets give this hardworking girl some credit she has an unbelievable comedic talent and her voice is AMAZING. I for once would rather her on the cover than having to read more ridiculous articles, and see crappy stalkerazzi photos of young actors who can’t get their shit together.
Posted: Nov 14, 2007 at 5:14 pm
I definitely agree with Mallory and Ashley.
You put someone on your cover, and then subsequently have a member of your staff say they’re boring.. What sort of logic is that? Were you expecting Kristin to be a diva or start shaving her head? no wonder people don’t read you. I wouldn’t too, now.
Posted: Nov 14, 2007 at 6:28 pm
Note To Commenters 1, 3 and 4:
For what it’s worth, I have nothing against Kristin Chenoweth. In fact, I think she’s a wonderful actress, albeit a lesser known one (as compared to tabloid fixtures like Lindsay Lohan and Katie Holmes) and found her endearing in her longstanding role as the midget-sized White House media consultant on The West Wing . Which is precisely why I don’t think she belongs on the cover of tawdry gossip magazine that is, as you all so delicately put it, catering to a set more interested in reading “ridiculous articles” about “shittacious starlets” and seeing “crappy stalkerazzi photos of young actors who can???t get their shit together.” Make sense?
Posted: Nov 14, 2007 at 7:40 pm
Kristin Chenoweth? Boring. Clearly you’re not talking about Tony award winning Kristin Chenoweth who originated the role of Glinda in Wicked and currently stars in Pushing Daisies.
You must be talking about a different Kristin Chenoweth because the Kristin I’m talking about is anything but boring.
Kristin is a perfect candidate to grace the cover of Page 6: She’s gorgeous, she’s sexy, she’s got her act together, she’s not a druggy, she’s a good role model, and she’s exceedingly talented as her work ranges from opera performance to broadway to movies to television.
So uhhh. Get off your little soap box and know your shit before you call someone boring.
Posted: Nov 14, 2007 at 8:24 pm
Excuse me? Kristin Chenoweth is my absolute favorite actress in the world. Just because you’ve never heard of her doesn’t mean no one else has.
Ever heard of “The West Wing”? Yeah she was on that. Heard of one of the most successful new TV shows, “Pushing Daisies”? She has a major role on it. Not to mention the fact that she’s done several movies, had her own NBC sitcom (”Kristin”), has appeared on numerous talk shows and magazine covers, has performed sold out solo concerts at the Met and Carnegie Hall, has two solo albums, has a Tony Award , and originated the role of Glinda in “Wicked” (aka one of the most popular and successful Broadway musicals of all time. )
But I guess if you only pay attention to “non-boring” people like Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan, you wouldn’t have heard of someone with Kristin’s class. You should bring some culture to your life.
Posted: Nov 14, 2007 at 10:02 pm
Kristin is too good to be on the cover of Page Six anyway. (And if you’ve ever met her, or just seen one of her talk show interviews, you know she is anything but boring.) Love you Kristin!!
Posted: Nov 14, 2007 at 10:06 pm
Forget about Kristin. Keri Russell is the only reason i even picked up this magazine.
Posted: Nov 15, 2007 at 1:22 am