• Even the bachelor on The Bachelor doesn’t buy that one man choosing from 25 desperate women is a recipe for longlasting love. Much like the 90210 when Kelly Taylor “chooses herself” over a relationship with rivaling suitors Dylan and Brandon, America’s most eligible suitor chooses…no one. And saves himself a bundle on roses (and a lifetime of regret) in the process.
• Neil Diamond ruins “Sweet Caroline” for Boston Red Sox fans by admitting the song was really about Caroline Kennedy Schlossberg’s over-privileged youth.
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• Gayle King’s huge rock is just one of nine rings that Oprah gave out, which proves that Oprah is actually dating nine women right now. [R&M]
• It’s hard to imagine Zack from Saved By the Bell as a dad. Whatevs, we’re just thrilled it isn’t Screech. [People]
• OMG! Caroline Kennedy leaving the Hamptons would be, like, the end of all social order everywhere. Stock in Pink Elephant just went down a notch. [Page Six]
• In other baby news, Adam Sander’s wife had a kid. Let’s hope he’s better at being a Big Daddy this time around. Throwing newspaper under the kid and hoping for the best never works twice. [ET]
• Oh, big surprise here: Tom Cruise is wearing heels now. [Lowdown]