Reading Jerry Seinfeld’s Mind

Ever wondered what Jerry Seinfeld thinks about on a normal, day-to-day basis? Well, you’re in luck. The ordinarily reclusive funnyman has generously agreed to let us eavesdrop on his inner commentary, in a new feature we’re calling “What Were They Thinking?!” Read on to find out what’s on Jerry’s mind as he takes in an L.A. Dodgers game.

Kind of a hot day for baseball, don’t you think? You’d think some of these guys would have put on deodorant for the occasion. I mean, seriously, what’s the deal with Dodgers games, anyway? Bunch of overweight guys running around with team jerseys and bats.

Then, of course, there’s the players.

I’m just kidding, I love the fans. And there’s nothing a baseball fan likes more than showing off his knowledge of the game. Of course everyone makes mistakes. You know, like back in ‘96, when Bob Dole congratulated the Brooklyn Dodgers on pitching a no-hitter. Nothing like 40 year-old sports trivia to show how with-it you are, right?

And you know that had to take a toll on his campaign. After all, nowadays the guy’s just shilling for Viagra, but back then, he was actually running for president. And just think how different things might have been if Dole had won. He’d have been right up there saying, “I did not have sexual relations with that woman,” except he’d have the impotency problems to prove it.

And speaking of problems, what is this—they call this a hot-dog? Now, everything in L.A.’s vegetarian. Including the sharks. And speaking of baseball food, one thing I never really understood was Cracker Jacks. What’s their appeal? They’re neither cracker, nor jack. In fact, all they’ve really got going for them is that “Take Me Out To The Ballgame” song. Without that, they’d have been overtaken by Mr. Peanut back in the 1930’s!

And did you ever notice how people are always bringing their kids to the game? It’s like, we get it, baseball’s the national pasttime. But aren’t these the very same parents who complain their children’s minds are being warped by violent cartoons and R-rated movies? I tell ya, I’ve watched plenty of South Park episodes back in my day, and that’s nothing compared to the s— you hear sitting up in the bleachers.

You’ve all been great. Goodnight everybody!