Folks, we’re sure you’re well aware that the situation in Urkaine is both depressing and terrifying, and there’s nothing funny about the devastation taking place in the war-ravaged nation on a daily basis.
But just because the situation is deadly serious, that doesn’t mean we can’t poke fun at the idiots responsible for all this destruction.
In fact, we have to — both because people need to laugh in order to keep from crying, and because "stop Putin" sounds like something you’d say to a gassy toddler, which is objectively hilarious.
And it’s in that spirit that we bring you the latest update on the mental state of Russia’s tiny president, a man so mentally unstable that he makes Kanye look like the Dalai Lama.
The latest intel from Moscow indicates that Putin is convinced someone is poisoning his food.
You might remember this particular brand of insecure fantasy from fairy tales about paranoid despots, as well as from actual historical accounts of paranoid despots.
Of course, this is Russia we’re talking about, a land where poisoning is the most common form of assassination.
Hell, Vlad has probably slipped some arsenic into a rival’s Smirnoff one or two times himself.
So we guess it’s not surprising that Putin has taken steps to ensure that he won’t be the latest Russian leader to die face down in a bowl of borscht.
According to a new report from Inside Edition, Putin has fired over 1,000 members of his staff and has employed several food testers to sample his meals and ensure that they’re safe.
“Laundresses, secretaries, cooks — to a whole new group of people," journalist Craig Copetas says of Putin’s hasty re-staffing.
"The assessment from the intelligence community is that he’s scared."
Yes, it seems that the Putin lives in fear of biting into a deadly dumpling, and he’s convinced that his potential poisoner is a member of his staff.
We’ve seen enough Game of Thrones and anti-communist ’80s action movies to know that the fateful moment would probably occur right after Vlad said something evil and started cackling.
The laugh would end abruptly as his eyes widened and he realized that the seductive dining partner seated across from him was no Kremlin courtesan at all, but rather an American spy pulling a reverse "Keri Russell in The Americans."
Couldn’t happen to a more deserving fascist!
In other ridiculous news involving the world’s most ridiculous leader, the Putin administration claimed this week that a mere 498 Russian soldiers have been killed in over three weeks of fighting.
A much more plausible figure comes to us from the Ukrainian government, which reports that roughly 13,500 Russian troops have lost their lives.
Sadly, it seems much more likely that the country that’s been invaded is the one supplying us with accurate numbers.
Yes, Russia is the aggressor here, but you can be sure that not all of those 13,500 were murderous ideologues pumped up on Putin’s imperialist messaging — in fact, probably very few of them were.
It’s an almost unimaginably grim quagmire, and there’s no end in sight.
But hey, at least Putin has sanctioned Joe Biden and Hillary Clinton.
We’re sure that’ll help put a stop to this situation.