Chrissy Teigen has written a new, lengthy and very personal essay about the loss of her son, Jack, just 20 weeks into her recent pregnancy.
The model and her husband, John Legend, confirmed this tragedy in early October.
"I had no idea when I would be ready to write this," Teigen began the message, which was published on Tuesday, October 27.
"Part of me thought it would be early on, when I was still really feeling the pain of what happened.
"I thought I would sit in the corner of my bedroom with the lights dimmed, just rolling off my thoughts.
"I’d have a glass of red wine, cozy up with a blanket, and finally get the chance to address ‘what happened.’"
From there, Teigen said it felt right to start the essay with a mention of gratitude.
"For weeks, our floors have been covered in flowers of kindness," she wrote.
"Notes have flooded in and have each been read with our own teary eyes.
"Social media messages from strangers have consumed my days, most starting with, ‘you probably won’t read this, but…’ I can assure you, I did."
Teigen said she originally went public with this loss in order to help anyone who has experienced a similar mishap.
And she’s thankful that this mission appears to have been accomplished.
"After we first lost Jack, I found myself incredibly worried that I wasn’t able to thank everyone for their extreme kindness," she wrote.
"Many shared incredible personal experiences, some shared books and poems. I wanted to thank everyone, share our story with each individual person. But I knew I was in no state to.
"For me, the ‘no need to respond’ note was such a true relief. I thank you for each and every one of those."
Chrissy then delved into the details behind what transpired, expounding on the day her late son was born.
"At this point I had already come to terms with what would happen:
"I would have an epidural and be induced to deliver our 20 week old, a boy that would have never survived in my belly (please excuse these simple terms).
‘I was previously on bedrest for over a month, just trying to get the little dude to 28 weeks, a ‘safer’ zone for the fetus."
Teigen said her doctor had diagnosed her with "partial placenta abruption," something she mentioned she had experienced with her second child.
However, with her third pregnancy, she encountered other issues as well.
"I had to deliver Miles a month early because his stomach wasn’t getting enough food from my placenta," she explained, adding:
"But this was my first abruption. We monitored it very closely, hoping for things to heal and stop.
"In bed, I bled and bled, lightly but all day, changing my own diapers every couple of hours when the blood got uncomfortable to lay in."
We truly cannot imagine.
Teigen proceeded to remember the heart-shattering message her doctor told her.
After a couple nights at the hospital," she recalled, "my doctor told me exactly what I knew was coming — it was time to say goodbye.
"He just wouldn’t survive this, and if it went on any longer, I might not either.
"We had tried bags and bags of blood transfusions, every single one going right through me like we hadn’t done anything at all. Late one night, I was told it would be time to let go in the morning.
"I cried a little at first, then went into full blown convulsions of snot and tears, my breath not able to catch up with my own incredibly deep sadness."
Again: We truly cannot imagine.
As you might expect, Teigen is writing about the ordeal now… but she is very far from past it.
"Even as I write this now, I can feel the pain all over again. Oxygen was placed over my nose and mouth, and that was the first picture you saw.
"Utter and complete sadness."
Does Teigen care about critics who question why went publicized the above photos from the hospital?
"I lived it, I chose to do it, and more than anything, these photos aren’t for anyone but the people who have lived this or are curious enough to wonder what something like this is like," she writes.
"These photos are only for the people who need them. The thoughts of others do not matter to me."
Chrissy said she, her mom and husband were able to give Jack their "own private goodbyes."
And she concluded:
I wrote this because I knew for me I needed to say something before I could move on from this and return back to life," she said, "so I truly thank you for allowing me to do so.
Jack will always be loved, explained to our kids as existing in the wind and trees and the butterflies they see.
Thank you so much to every single person who has had us in their thoughts or gone as far as to send us your love and stories.
We are so incredibly lucky.
You can read the full essay here.