Kristin Cavallari: Jay Cutler Sucks! (On My Nipples For Medical Reasons)

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It seems Kristin Cavallari has one important thing in common with millions of Chicago Bears and Miami Dolphins fans:

She shares their opinion that Jay Cutler sucks!

Jay Cutler & Kristin Cavallari: Michigan Avenue Magazine Celebration

Of course, Cavallari's view has nothing to do with Cutler's performance on the field, or his behavior in post-game press conferences.

Allow us to explain:

The second season of Kristen's reality show, Very Cavallari, is soon to come to an end, and while that might not generate as much excitement as, say, the final episodes of Game of Thrones the series apparently contains plot twists every bit as shocking as the Red Wedding.

For example, we learn that Jay's sucking skills are so sophisticated he can use them to save a life!

It seems that while she was breastfeeding, Kristin suffered from a severely clogged milk duct.

"Major clogged ducts," she tells her friends in the clip above.

"Jay had to get them out for me, sucking harder than he’s ever sucked ... and you know what? Saved my life."

Kristin Cavallari and Jay Cutler Vacation Pic

Yes, Jay Cutler saved a freaking life with his oral nipple-manipulating abilities.

Sure, during his NFL career, Cutler was a bit of a choke artist, and a hangnail was enough to sideline the guy for a playoff game, but have any of your elite QBs ever performed life-saving mouth-to-boob resuscitation?

Would Tom Brady be ready hoover a Gisele nip in the event of a lactic malfunction?

We think not!

Kristin Cavallari and Jay Cutler Toast 2016

Can you expect Aaron Rodgers to apply tongue and teeth as needed to rescue Danica Patrick's jugs from a career-ending wreck?

Ha! The only dairy product that diva's interested in is the cheese atop the heads of the Lambeau faithful. 

No, when it comes to restoring the healthy flow of life-giving mammary juice, you need a workhorse like Mr. Fourth Quarter himself.

Jay Cutler and Kristin Cavallari

Of course, it's not all sucked ducts and rainbows in the Cutler-Cavallari household.

The trailer also features some darker moments, like when Kristin accused Jay of failing to encourage her in following her dreams.

"When you were playing football, I had to give up my whole life," she says to him at one point.

Kristin Cavallari & Jay Cutler in Mexico

"I don't feel that same support from you."

Far be it for us to stand up for Jay freakin' Cutler -- a man who spent his entire career wishing he could somehow make millions playing for a league with zero fans -- but we feel the need to point out that the duct incident should buy him at least a few weeks of consequence-free douchiness.

It's really all he's ever wanted.

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Kristin Cavallari Biography

Kristin Cavallari Looks Pretty
Kristin Cavallari is a Laguna Beach alumna, controversy magnet, former girlfriend of Brody Jenner and Nick Zano, and celebrity gossip... More »
Born
Birthplace
Denver, Colorado
Full Name
Kristin Elizabeth Cavallari