Lindsay Lohan's Beach Club Season Finale Recap: It's Finally Over!

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Well, folks, whether it's Mueller, or Jussie, or the fact that soon we're all gonna be strangled to a slow death by our own noxious atmosphere, there's a lot that might be bumming you out this week ... and it's only Tuesday.

But fear not, dear reader, for we bring you tidings of great joy and reason to be hopeful about the future.

LiLo at the Beach

The long national nightmare known as Lindsay Lohan's Beach Club has finally come to an end.

Better yet, because the show's ratings steadily declined throughout the season, and a lot of people were grossed out by the fact that it was basically a documentary set at a skeezy Mediterranean brothel, there's reason to believe it'll never be back.

Obviously, this is fantastic news for defenders not only of common decency but of quality television.

Lindsay as a Boss

You see, the problem with LLBC is that it was bad, but not in a fun guilty pleasure way.

As we noted in our recap of the pilot episode the show is (was?) the sort of trainwreck that it's easy to look away from.

From the start, the show failed to deliver what it promised -- Lindsay in all her hot mess glory.

Lindsay in Greece

Don't get us wrong, Lindsay seems to be doing much better these days, but no one wanted or needed a 10-hour infomercial about how she's reinvented herself as Lisa Vanderpump.

(It's an especially weird act considering that Lindsay is younger than most of Lisa's employees on Vanderpump Rules, which just contributes to the feeling that LiLo's attempting an unsuccessful Vincent Adultman.)

Anyway, it wasn't just the fact that Lindsay was obviously cosplaying from the start, or even the fact that her business partner Panos basically admitted that the staff is there to perform sexual favors for guests.


No, the most off-putting part of the whole thing was how slapdash and confusing it all was.

Was it a competition to see who can go the longest without getting fired or contracting chlamydia? 

Or was it more of a "hang-out" reality show where the cast bonds over their shared experiences and struggles with chlamydia?

LiLo's Beach Club Staff

We're not really sure -- and in the season freakin' finale, it seems that the cast wasn't really sure, either.

All season, Lindsay and Panos have been threatening to fire people, and it often seemed that that was the point of the series -- that Lohan would winnow down her staff to a few who would remain on with her full-time.

But despite all the threats, very few "ambassadors" got fired -- until last night, when two were let go on their last day in Greece.

Beach Club Brent

Hilariously, one cast member was canned for behaving inappropriately with guests, despite the fact that the entire cast was encouraged to bone for money all season.

Another was let go for striking a co-worker, which would be a good reason -- were it not for the fact that Jonitta hit Gabi earlier this season and was not fired for it.

"At the end of the day, no matter what you guys do here, it's my name," Lindsay said, repeating her mantra about the importance of her brand for then billionth time this season.

Lindsay Lohan, Behind The Scenes

In the end, Lindsay invited 5 staff members to stay on with her, which might have meant something if the show had established what's at stake from the beginning.

In the end, we were just left with something that started out with promise but ended in confusing disappointment.

Not unlike Lindsay's acting career.

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Lindsay Lohan Biography

Lindsay Lohan is a troubled actress that hasn't starred in a mainstream movie in years. The star has been arrested for drug possession... More »
New York City
Full Name
Lindsay Dee Lohan

Lindsay Lohan Quotes

Tell him he's f*cking amazing, and I want to meet him.

Lindsay Lohan [on Michael Phelps]

I just want to live a happy, healthy year and continue on the path I've been on and be with the person I care about and my family.

Lindsay Lohan