In case you've remained blissfully unaware of their existence, we regret to inform you that Meghan Markle's family is the absolute worst.
We're not talking about Doria Ragland, of course.
Doria is a global treasure whose face will be on the 20 once Meghan negotiates a US/UK merger.
No, we're talking about Meghan's other family, particularly Samantha "Scammy" Markle and Thomas "I Will Humiliate My Daughter on the Global Stage Just For a Chance to Meet Piers Morgan" Markle.
Samantha and Thomas are both trying to make careers out of exploiting Meghan, but thankfully, aside from a few like-minded nitwits (We're looking at you, Piers!), no one is buying what they're selling.
Samantha wrote a tell-all, but no one showed any interest in publishing it, because she's like a bajillion years older than Meghan, and everyone who knows the two of them concurs that they never had a close relationship.
Sadly, that humiliation wasn't enough to send Sammy slithering back beneath the flat, lichen-covered stone from which she emerged.
The Markles have pitched a reality show, and they've given interviews to anyone who's willing to listen to their BS.
Now, speaking with UK tabloid The Sun, Thomas has promised a memoir “about the good years with my daughter and my fond memories of her growing up.”
Despite the fact that he has a book deal to promote, Big Tom spent most of the interview demonstrating his mental stability by comparing himself to an axe murderer (?!?!) and whining that he had a sh-tty Christmas.
“I’ve been a good father I’ve done nothing wrong," Thomas told The Sun.
"Axe murderers kill 19 people and their daughters still come and visit them in prison. It’s just incomprehensible for Meghan to treat me this way."
He added that he was on the receiving end of a hard yuletide snub from Meg and Harry:
"On Christmas Day I visited some friends and received a lot of phone calls from every relative I have — except my daughter," he said.
"I was prepared for it."
Believe it or not, it wasn't all that long ago that Thomas and Meghan actually had a decently close relationship.
The problem is that (likely at the behest of Samantha), he keeps humiliating her by blathering to the press.
And for some reason, he thinks the answer to this is more blathering to the press.
"I only speak because of the deadly silence from Meghan and the royals. No one was standing up for my family — so I had to," he said.
"The bottom line is that I’ve done nothing to deserve this kind of treatment. I cannot cut my tongue out and never speak again.
"I can’t shut up because they have opened the door for a million people to criticize me and my family.
"If they ever want to speak to me, maybe I’ll quieten down a little bit," he added.
"But in the meantime I’m not going to become a monk in a monastery and take a vow of silence."
Tom -- can we call you Tom? -- we have some terrific news.
You can go ahead and slink back into obscurity at any moment, and the press will lose interest almost instantaneously.
It's 2019, bro. Some video of a raccoon eating a burrito or something will take your place within an hour.