Lindsay Lohan's Beach Club Recap: Is This a Beach Club or a Brothel?

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If you've been watching from the start, you've probably figured out by now that Lindsay Lohan's Beach Club is a strange beast of a reality show.

Basically, MTV and Lindsay pulled an elaborate bait and switch move, which might explain why ratings have been steadily declining since the show's debut.

LiLo at the Beach

Beach Club started off hot, but it seems many were under the impression that this would be a show about Lindsay Lohan (which is what the promotional campaign indicated), not simply MTV's latest Real World knockoff.

(Reps have described the show as being inspired by Vanderpump Rules, but that's giving it far too much credit.)

Basically, a bunch of early twentysomethings with abs party and occasionally pretend to work, and Lindsay infrequently drifts in, threatens their jobs, and offers sage life advice, as though she wasn't neck-deep in a pile of Colombian marching powder at their age.

LiLo's Beach Club Staff

Every eight seconds, the show pauses to remind you that Lindsay is the boss of this operation, so it was no surprise when Tuesday night's episode opened with Lindsay announcing that she's planning to toss some fresh meat to her staff, as though hiring someone new to scare everyone is a sound business strategy and not the act of a crazy person.

“We need someone to refresh everyone’s mind and scare them a little bit,” she tells her sidekick, the extremely-Greek Panos Spentzos.

She then announces this decision to the entire staff, because apparently all of her notions about how bosses interact with their employees come from cartoons.

Lindsay as a Boss

From there, it's party time, which at LiLo's beach club means it's time for the staff to engage in inappropriately sexual interactions with their customers.

On last week's episode, this meant washing some weird old guy's feet.

On the premiere, it meant Brent stopping just short of engaging in public beach sex with a wealthy female guest named Natasha.

Beach Club Brent

You may recall that Brent outed himself as one of the biggest a-holes on television last week when he ranted about how ugly his female co-workers.

This time around, Brent is trying to make things right and get in Sarah's pants, which means steering clear of Natasha.

Lindsay and Panos are not pleased by this development because -- as we say every week -- their pimps in charge of operating a female brothel.

Lindsay on the Beach

Fortunately for Brent, Lindsay quickly forgot about his infraction when she spotted alcohol and began spraying champagne on a guest.

“This is the Lindsay that I love,” Panos says.

“She wants to party.”

Lindsay in Greece

We're guessing LiLo didn't approve that line, as she's working very hard to re-invent herself as some sort of Oprah/Lisa Vanderpump hybrid/enlightened lifestyle guru, and reminders that she's spent most of her adult life coked to the gills don't really jibe with that image.

And that's about it.

Lindsay and Panos continued to praise their worst employees (Brent) while denigrating their best (Jonitta), and Lindsay once again forgot that she's supposed to be rebuilding her reputation.

Tune in next week to find out what happens with that new employee Lindsay is throwing to the wolves -- unless, of course, she gets hammered and forgets to hire someone.

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Lindsay Lohan Biography

Lindsay Lohan Photo
Lindsay Lohan is a troubled actress that hasn't starred in a mainstream movie in years. The star has been arrested for drug possession... More »
Born
Birthplace
New York City
Full Name
Lindsay Dee Lohan

Lindsay Lohan Quotes

Tell him he's f*cking amazing, and I want to meet him.

Lindsay Lohan [on Michael Phelps]

I just want to live a happy, healthy year and continue on the path I've been on and be with the person I care about and my family.

Lindsay Lohan