Bachelor in Paradise Recap: What the Actual F--k, Man??

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Just prior to Fantasy Suite night on Bachelor in Paradise this season, at least one contestant faced her biggest nightmare.

But we'll get to that in a moment.

Monday evening's installment of this controversial ABC series depicted TWO couples calling it quits, although one split went far smoother than the second.

Joe and Kendall

Let's start with the amicable before we get to the ugly, shall we?

Joe and Kendall (pictured above) were seemingly in a good place when he joked about getting engaged.

At least we thought he was joking.

Perhaps there was a serious nature to the reference as well -- but, either way, the mere topic caused Kendall to pump the breaks on their romance. Hard.

"There's a part of me that obviously loves you, and I've known that for a while, but I don't know what kind of love that is," Kendall attempted to explain in response, adding that she thought thers sta were pursuing a relationship because they "had to," not because they really wanted to.

Ouch.

"I'm with you all day long. I've been falling in love with you since day two. I haven't been able to express it because all you've said is... 'I want to keep things open,'" Joe replied, pointing to her past with Leo and John and adding:

"The truth is, you don't know how you feel about me... you're looking for so many excuses not to be with me."

sad woman

And, with that, Joe was basically done.

"We're just not in the same place. That's what I've been scared about this entire time... The fact that you're not happy about where we're at after everything is really just the answer," he continued.

"That's it. I'm going home. Alright, I'm leaving. Bye."

The guy was serious, too.

He got into a limo and, like Keyser Soze, was gone.

"I have a huge fear that I'm never going to see Joe again," Kendall lamented on air. "My heart breaks imagining not being with him. I'm going to leave feeling regret."

Remember, now... we said this was the AMICABLE break-up.

Astrid Loch

Elsewhere, Kevin also decided to end things with Astrid.

"I'm like, having an actual mental breakdown right now," he confessed, aiming for sympathy and earning none whatsoever.

Kevin cried about how his former experiences with fantasy suites and how the evenings didn't pan out as he'd hoped.

"I don't know if it's forever," he said of his relationship with Astrid.

UMMMM.....

"Are you breaking up with me?" Astrid asked, bursting into tears and then turning angry:

"What the actual f-ck, man? I don't eve know what to say. I'm mind-boggled... The one thing I asked you not to do was blindside me!"

Lik Joe before her, Astrid then left to pack her things, leaving Kevin a tear-filled on the daybed.

"She's going to hate me," he said. "She's going to be embarrassed. This is a nightmare."

Robby Hayes

Finally, Bachelorette alum Robby Hayes showed up!

He tried to ask out Jenna, only to be shot down and then told off by Jordan for making a move on his woman.

"From what I understand, he cheated on Amanda Stanton ... after Paradise," Jordan told his fellow contestants. "I mean, cheating on a single mom? C'mon."

The man makes a solid point there.

"Robby's a tool, he's just a tool," Jordan added to the cameras.

"He dated Amanda for the social media following and then he broke up with her in the way that he did to look like a player. Like, 'Oh I don't need Amanda in my life.'"

Still, Shushanna agreed to go on a date with Robby and then confronted Hayes about the Stanton allegations prior to the rose ceremony.

He claimed he never cheated on Amanda...but did she on another ex in the past.

Shushanna ended up giving Hayes her rose during the final ceremony.

However, when the remaining couples were faced with either heading to the fantasy suites or going home, the new twosome chose to pick things up back in the United States.

“I don’t think in 48 hours that our relationship is there,” Hayes told Shushanna of having sexual intercourse. “But we’ll hang out when I’m in Utah. We can grab dinner, or I can take you on a date.”

Where will all the other relationships head to close out Season 5?

Find out when the finale of Bachelor in Paradise airs on ABC on Tuesday, September 11 at 8/7c.

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