If you had to guess what the actor who portrayed Barney the Dinosaur for a decade is doing now, what would you say?
If your guess was that he currently runs a tantric sex business, congratulations.
He describes how how "worships" his "goddess" clients, helping them to become spiritually unblocked while also helping them to experience powerful orgasms.
Your first thought might be "oh no, another cult guy." After Smallville star Allison Mack was exposed as a "Master" in a sex slave cult and actor Andrew Keegan started his own religion, who could blame you?
This is a little different.
54-year-old David Joyner, who started this business in 2004, only sees women as his clients.
He charges $350 for a full, 3-to-4-hour session, and boasts 30 clients.
Services include a ritual bath, chakra balancing, and a massage. Oh, and powerful, "cosmic" orgasms.
In an interview with Vice, the former Barney and Friends actor describes his tantric sex business in unabashed detail.
"When the lingam [penis] and the yoni [vagina] meet, there’s a certain energy that takes place that hands on the body alone cannot create,"
These are fairly common tantric terms, but we'd mention that, as the article notes, there are many tantric practices that don't even require touching.
"Even through G-spot massage, it’s still not the same energy that flows."
He says that his current work isn't entirely unrelated to his work wearing the Barney costume.
"The energy I brought up [while] in the costume is based on the foundation of tantra, which is love. Everything stems, grows, and evolves from love."
Now, though, he doesn't use his yogic skills to entertain children, but to work as a healer.
"Even when you have emotionally blocked energy, the best way to remove it is to remove it with love, and then replace it with God’s divine love. Love heals and allows you to continue to grow."
David Joyner describes how his yoga practices played into his work when, from 1991 to 2001, he portrayed Barney the Dinosaur.
"Before I got into the [Barney] costume, I would pray and ask God to allow his loving divine spirit to flow through me through the costume and let that draw the kids. That energy would always draw them in."
He was noted for a particularly exuberant portrayal while wearing the costume. (Note: he did not provide the voice)
"Children are more connected spiritually than [adults]."
If he says so.
"A lot of times when I see infants and I’m out and about at the grocery store or whatever, they start staring at me. I make the joke, ‘You know who I am.’"
Now, brace yourselves, because his descriptions get a little explicit.
"When you go down on a woman (orally), it should be just like you’re saying grace, like blessing the food you’re about to receive. No food in the world can compare to goddess nectar because spirit is involved."
This is up there with Game of Thrones' famous sexposition.
"Before you taste the goddess nectar, give thanks. Say grace. I would love women to understand how powerful that energy is."
"Once the lingam is inside the yoni, there’s a technique where you don’t even move. You’re harmonizing spiritually and consciously, as you’re looking into each other’s eyes, and you’re feeling each other’s energy take place. This is about energy moving up."
Again, as Vice mentions, other tantric practitioners balk at the idea that actual, penetrative sex is standard or necessary in most cases.
"A lot of women have never really had spiritual sex."
The captions on his oldest Instagram post read:
"As a Tantra Massage Specialist and Energy Healer: The basic philosophy of Tantra is that all women are Goddesses, and when touching a Goddess or being intimate with a Goddess you should also understand you're touching the hand of God and her spiritual connection with God."
We don't know how many tantric practitioners would agree with that characterization.
And this next line just about killed us.
"Stay thirsty my friends, but remember you're drinking pure holy water."
That line ... we cannot unread. It's going to haunt us for the rest of our lives.
In fact, every part of this is going to haunt us for the rest of our lives.
You start of reading this wondering if Barney went on to lead a cult. By the time that you finished, you may have concluded that David Joyner is some sort of New Age gigolo.
It sounds like some Tantric practitioners might agree.
This actually brings to mind the infamous Phoenix Temple Case, where prosecutors believed that the Phoenix Goddess Temple was a religious front for standard, run-of-the-mill sex work. In that case, the jury sided with the prosecution.
While obviously sex work shouldn't be illegal, some question where the line is crossed between sex work and spiritual practices. Sex holds sacred value in many faiths and in various non-religious spiritual paths ... but where is the dividing line.
Anyway, if reading this results in any nightmares involving Sex Guru Barney, i will never sleep again.