It’s strange to think that a man who refers to his wife as "Mother" and isn’t allowed to be alone in the same room as a single woman could ever rise through the ranks of American politics.
But Mike Pence has made a name for himself by defying expectations.
When it was widely assumed that only a desperate moron would sacrifice his reputation by agreeing to be Donald Trump’s running mate, Mike Pence answered the call.
When we all thought no one would ever be dumb enough to touch something clearly labeled "DO NOT TOUCH" while touring a NASA facility, Mike Pence proved us wrong.
When the world felt safe in its presumption that no grown ass-man would get all pouty after being called out by the cast of a Broadway show, Mike Pence showed us what true pettiness looks like.
And just when you thought the White House had addressed the NFL anthem protests in the most foolish and insensitive fashion imaginable, and things couldn’t possibly get any worse, Mike Pence stepped up and said, "Hold my non-alcoholic beer, Mother."
On Sunday, the Indianapolis Colts eked out an overtime victory over the San Francisco 49ers in a what proved to be a surprisingly entertaining game despite the involvement of both the Colts and the 49ers.
As an Indiana native and guy who pretends to enjoy hoo-man activities such as the football, Mike Pence decided to take in the contest while enjoying a hearty helping of Earth nachos.
But Pence wasn’t on hand for the thrilling overtime nail-biter, or even the halftime ceremony honoring Colts legend Peyton Manning.
No, Pence turned tail and left just before kickoff after being badly triggered by the sight of 49ers players doing what they’ve done all season–taking a knee during the National Anthem.
In keeping with the lessons he’s learned at the tiny feet of his mentor, Pence immediately tweeted about the experience:
"I left today’s Colts game because @POTUS and I will not dignify any event that disrespects our soldiers, our Flag, or our National Anthem," he wrote.
Never one to let running the country interfere with involving himself in some hot social media drama, Trump unleashed a tweet storm of his own, using his stubby thumbs to peck out the message below:
"I asked @VP Pence to leave stadium if any players kneeled, disrespecting our country. I am proud of him and @SecondLady Karen."
He didn’t stop there, of course, and added in a later tweet that Pence received "great praise" for leaving the game early.
The White House is painting the exit as a bold statement from a man who simply couldn’t bear the sight of his flag being disrespected with a silent, peaceful protest carried with the sole purpose of protecting innocent lives.
But here’s the thing–Pence never planned on staying for the entire game, and the whole thing was one big disingenuous media stunt.
So it’s kinda like the Trump presidential campaign, except everyone caught this one before any real damage was done.
"They agreed if a protest took place he would leave," says CNN’s Jim Acosta of the pre-game conversation between Trump and Pence.
You might be thinking to yourself, Well, of course, there would be a protest. Niners players have kneeled before every game this season.
To which we say, very observant of you, hypothetical reader! You’re smarter than the White House gives you credit for!
The stunt was so blatant that Pence’s press pool was told to stay in the media van rather than follow him into the stadium, because "there may be an early departure from the game."
The whole thing was staged and funded with taxpayer dollars in order to make Mike Pence look like Captain Patriot-Pants.
But don’t you dare suggest there’s enough money in the budget to address the basic human needs of our country’s most at-risk citizens.
What are you, some kind of flag-hating commie?!