Hey, do you want to hear a ridiculous story about Donald Trump?
We know, we know, our entire society has basically turned into a ridiculous story about Donald Trump, but trust us, you'll want to hear this new development.
It's not so much about Trump directly as it is about Scott Baio, the Red Hot Chili Peppers' drummer's wife, and an alleged assault, but ... well, you'll see.
OK, so Scott's kid goes to the same elementary school as Chad Smith's kid.
Chad, of course, is in the Red Hot Chili Peppers, and his wife, Nancy Mack, took their child to a school function. Scott was there with his daughter, Nancy noticed Scott, and that's when things got bad.
At this point, it's important to point out that Scott is a loud and proud Trump supporter. He spoke at the Republican National Convention in July, where he urged us all to "make America America again!"
He said that Trump was running for president "out of the goodness of his heart," while Hillary Clinton was running because she felt "entitled to the presidency."
And then, if you needed more proof of his delusional nature, in 2010 he tweeted an unflattering photo of Michelle Obama and remarked "He wakes up to this every day."
Get it, like poor Barack Obama, he's married to an absolute queen? Yeah, the joke didn't land, but what we're getting at is that Scott has a history of being absurd when it comes to political figures.
Right, so he and Nancy were at the elementary school function, and when Nancy saw him, she confronted him about his support of the Mighty Orange One.
According to the police report Scott filed -- yeah, you know this is going to get good -- he asked Nancy to keep her voice down since there were so many children around, but she refused.
She brought up the infamous "grab them by the pussy" comments that Trump made, asking Scott how he could possibly support a man who said such things.
Scott said that she "repeatedly screamed" the phrase "grab them by the pussy."
He kept asking her to stop, you know, for the children, but she wouldn't, and then he claims that she actually attacked him, that she shook him and pushed him and grabbed him.
All that is in the police report, but sources close to Nancy maintain that "she was merely trying to show Baio how Trump hugs women" and that she "denies any intentional physical aggression."
Yes, you're reading this right: this is a story about a woman who tried to grab Scott Baio "by the pussy" at an elementary school function.
The world will never be the same.
The local sheriff's department is looking into the incident, but honestly, does the outcome matter? Will it add anything to the story? Will it lessen its effect on our hearts?
Of course it won't. Nothing ever could.
In times of sorrow, when Donald Trump finally destroys the country, let's let this moment be of comfort to us.
This one, glorious moment in which a Red Hot Chili Pepper's wife grabbed Scott Baio by the pussy.
Let it hold us in our darkest hour, let it flood our souls with hope for a better tomorrow.