On Wednesday night, four women accused Donald Trump of sexual assault, detailing incidents that took place across several decades in locales ranging from a first-class flight to New York to Trump’s Mar-a-Lago estate in Florida.
Coming on the heels of "hot mic" footage in which Trump boasted about groping unsuspecting women, these accusations would’ve been enough to bury just about any other presidential campaign in history.
But Teflon Donald once bragged that he could gun a man down in broad daylight without losing any voters, and it’s looking more and more like he was right about that.
Moments ago, Trump held a press conference in West Palm Beach promising a "major announcement" to a crowd of journalists and supporters.
The women are lying, they work for "crooked Hillary," the media is against him and blah, blah, yuuuuge, beautiful blah.
Addressing the "wild and false allegations" against him, Trump trotted out what will henceforth be known as the Bill Cosby Defense.
In essence: "If I’m such a bad guy, why did they wait until now to come forward?"
We won’t even bother to point out the many, many holes in that argument, as they should be apparent to anyone who’s within a decade of voting age.
He says his accusers (including People magazine columnist Natasha Stoynoff who essentially put her career on the line in order to expose Trump’s vile behavior) are working to "help the Clintons keep their corrupt control over our government."
The as for the other outlet that reported the latest Trump scandal last night, Trump says New York Times is "fighting desperately for its survival, and it probably won’t even be around in a few years."
From there, Trump went off script, and the rest of his address was just a laundry list of disjointed boasts and conspiracy theories:
He claimed to be "nationally two points ahead" according to an unnamed poll that "just came out."
(Every poll we could find puts the odds overwhelmingly in Clinton’s favor.)
He praised Brexit and UK voters for "freeing themselves" from "global immigration deals."
He accused the Clintons of corrupting FBI Director David Comey to the point that agents are "embarrassed and ashamed" to be working for the bureau.
He boasted about his "former life" as an insider, and complained that he is now being "punished for leaving the special club."
He warned that if he loses, no other "very successful person will run for office."
One could argue that just about every person who’s run for president and secured a major-party nomination would be considered "highly successful" by some measure, but we’re in Trump Territory here, where logic holds no quarter, and truth comes only from the mouth of the Donald.
At one point, Trump even channeled his inner Bill Pullman, telling the crowd that "our Independence Day is at hand, and it arrives, finally, on November 8."
He concluded by vowing to "help" Mexican-Americans, "who have been treated so badly and so unfairly in this country."
Hey, you gotta give the guy one thing: he’s consistent.
Just kidding, the Trump’s spirit animal is a waffle wearing flip flops, with stick of butter hands that it uses to grope female waffles.
Hey, if nothing else, this latest stunt helps distract from the revelations that Trump wanted O.J. Simpson to appear on Celebrity Apprentice, and once joked about dating a 10-year-old in front of the girls’ parents.
Yes, those are real, substantiated reports that came out in the past 24 hours.