For generations of poets and authors, the Nobel Prize for Literature represents the height of achievement.
But Robert Allen Zimmerman ran out of f-cks to give right around the time he spent a weekend tooling around London trippin’ balls with John Lennon, so when those snooty Nobel nerds told him he’d been selected to receive the 2016 award, he was all, “Go away from my window; leave at your own chosen speed, motherf-ckers!”
Yes, as you’ve probably heard from both your stoned baby boomer uncle who’s all jazzed about it, and your high school English teacher who randomly added you on Facebook and is super-pissed that Joyce Carol Oates got overlooked again, there’s a fair bit of controversy over the decision to honor Dylan with the literary world’s most coveted award.
Dylan is the first songwriter to win the award, and the committee heaped the highest praise upon his lyrics in their surprise announcement.
The decision has sparked a flurry of praise and a renewed interest in the literary merits of Dylan’s catalog, but the iconic rock star has yet to comment on any of it.
However, if you’re wondering how he feels about it, the answer, my friend, is blowin’ in the wind:
He couldn’t give two sh-ts if you paid him.
“Right now we are doing nothing,” the committee’s permanent secretary, Sara Danius tells the Guardian.
“I have called and sent emails to his closest collaborator and received very friendly replies. For now, that is certainly enough.”
She added:
“I am not at all worried. I think he will show up. If he doesn’t want to come, he won’t come. It will be a big party in any case and the honor belongs to him.
Wow.
Clearly, Dylan isn’t content to simply take home the prize for literature.
He also wants the Nobel committee to invent a prize for ballsiness and award to the dude who’s being celebrated by the global academic community in Stockholm, but decides to stay home and clean his harmonica collection, because f–k all that noise.
The best part of all this is that Dylan isn’t some feeble recluse.
Far from it.
The man tours constantly, often tearing through multiple sets in a single night.
Our guess is that he’s had people falling over themselves to tell him what a genius he is since he was in his teens and, well … like everything else, even fawning praise can get old after a while.
Besides, Kesha covered Dylan back in 2011, and obviously, that’s the highest honor any musician could ask for.
No word on whether or not Dylan needs to attend the ceremony in order to receive the $900,000 check that comes with the award, but we’re sure that even if the rumors about his money problems are true (they aren’t), he can’t be bothered to show up for a payday unless it involves the ghost of Woody Guthrie handing him a big cartoon burlap sack with a dollar sign painted on it.
Hopefully in lieu of an acceptance speech, Dylan will just shoot the committee a text like, “Don’t think twice, it’s alright, bitches!”