For 26 years now, Tom Cruise and Scientology have gone together like batsh-t space cults and diminutive Hollywood egomaniacs.
Of course, Cruise is no run-of-the-mill disciple to L. Ron Hubbard, mind you.
He's the Michael Jordan to Scientology's Nike, an international brand ambassador so powerful he could put your mind at ease about dropping out $200 for a pair of sneakers or coming to terms with the fact that your brain is haunted by the ghosts of dead aliens.
And it's not like Major Tom hasn't hasn't earned his place as one of the leaders of the space oddity.
There are rumors that Cruise abandoned his family after his wife, Katie Holmes, and 10-year-old daughter, Suri, after they were labeled "suppressive persons" by Church leaders.
In fact, some say Cruise hasn't seen Suri in over three years, which is especially odd when you remember that he's a millionaire with a lot of time on his hands these days.
The CoS is hardly your typical religious organization, but they still like to reflect a wholesome, "not teeming with dangerous sociopaths" vibe, so they'd prefer it if the face of the Church were a family man.
Obviously, they're not gonna fire Cruise, so the solution is to hire the man a family!
We've heard about Tom Cruise girlfriend auditions before, but this latest story from former Scientologist Cathy Schenkelberg puts the "creep" in "creepy-ass weirdo."
Enjoy this snippet from her recent Daily Mail interview, but only if you were already not planning on sleeping tonight:
"I didn't know I was being auditioned, so I was being asked on camera: 'Where are you from? What level are you on?' Then, 'What do you think of Tom Cruise?'
"I thought I was auditioning for a training course, so when he asked about Tom Cruise, I said: 'I can't stand him, I think he's a narcissistic baby!'
"I said, 'I'm really bummed about him splitting with Nicole.' I hate the guy, even before I was in Scientology I didn't like him.
"I then go on a litany about him and I remember saying at the end: 'Do I have a script now? What do I need to do?' And they said: 'No, you're finished.'
"I was like, 'Huh, I thought this was a training video.' When I left the room, there was another actress outside and she asked: 'How did you do?' I said: 'What do you mean?'
"She said: 'Well, that's an audition to be Tom Cruise's girlfriend,' and I said: 'I don't think I got the gig.'"
Needless to say, Ms. Schenkelberg's chances of becoming the next Mrs. Cruise are slim to none.
And of course, she had to be punished for her heresy with an "audit":
"I would have to get audited on this, they'd want to know why I didn't like Tom Cruise," she tells the Mail.
"I would get into so much trouble over this. I’d be like: “Nothing, I just don’t like the guy.” In your security check, it asks you certain questions: “Have you committed a crime?
"Have you raped anyone? Have you practiced homosexuality? Have you had an unkind thought about Tom Cruise or David Miscavige?”
We like to think they announced the winner by having a pantsless Cruise slide in on his socks, a la Risky Business.
Trying to put a comedic spin on this is our way of staving off the lifetime worth of nightmares.