The Real Housewives of New York City Season 7 Episode 1 Recap: The B is Back!

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Last night's The Real Housewives of New York City Season 7 Episode 1 marked the return of Bravo's hit series, and with it, a notably notorious blast from the past.

Maybe it’s the egg roll I ate before hot yoga. Maybe it is Bethenny Frankel. But after watching The Real Housewives of New York City premiere, I feel like puking.

Most of us tuned into the season premiere for the long-awaited return of Bethenny.

An original cast member, Bethenny charmed the audience with her quick wit and relatable personality.

She was seen peeing in the toilet taking a pregnancy test, struggling to make ends meet, and fumbling through awkward relationships.

You know, stuff we’ve all been through.

She left the show after Season 3 to film her spin-off series, Bethenny Ever After, and to focus on other business endeavors, such as writing, hosting a talk show, and promoting her Skinnygirl cocktail line.

But as her return launches The Real Housewives of New York City Season 7 premiere, she could not be further from the approachable personality that catapulted her into stardom.

In the opening segment of the episode, she states, “I am the wealthiest homeless person in Manhattan.”

Bethenny groans this as she checks into a presidential suite with marble floors, bottled Fiji water for her dog, and martini olives brought at her request.

Throughout the episode, in a fragmented narrative, Bethenny discloses her housing predicament. And though her attempt may be a pathetic plea for sympathy, her whining only underscores her privilege.

Searching for a home with realtor Fredrik Eklund, cast member of Bravo’s Million Dollar Listing New York, she explains that her former husband, Jason Hoppy, is living in the apartment she bought, leaving her “homeless.”

Yet she tearfully tells Eklund, in the summer, “I had to buy a place in The Hamptons,” and “I bought a place downtown that needs to be renovated." She sobs, “I am staying in corporate apartments.”

None of this sounds like a problem.

She also humblebrags about wearing Oscar de La Renta and dancing with Jamie Foxx at the Angel Ball.

I wish my life sucked that much.

Speaking of obnoxious. Ramona’s longtime friend, Dorinda Medley, made her RHONYC debut.

Her on-air time this episode was short. And certainly she wouldn’t have been casted if she weren’t a hot mess. But if a level-headed rich lady from the Upper East Side exists, she might be it.

What stole the spotlight from Dorinda was her daughter, Hannah.

Hannah is the runner-up for Bethenny’s most-annoying-person-on-television tiara.

Taking a break from college, Hannah is “finding herself.” Even Dorinda asks, “What is finding yourself on the Upper East Side?"

It’s called dropping out of college to live off your fortune, Dorinda.

Donning eyebrow pencil that gives a 1980s Madonna a run for her money, Hannah justifies buying an “ironic and playful” Fendi bag. (It’s ugly). And she downplays the fact that she stole her mother’s credit card to go shopping.

She is the quintessential brat.

Who would have guessed that Ramona Singer would bring forth the only truly compelling drama of the episode?

Ramona is currently divorcing, Mario, her husband of 25 years.

While dining on Madison Avenue with BFF Sonja, Ramona - in a surprisingly composed manner - states, this is “the weirdest time of my life” and “my whole world has fallen apart.”

Sonja was too busy caring about Sonja to sympathize. But Dorinda offered Ramona some much needed support.

Though the catfights are what keep us watching, the tender relationship between Dorinda and Ramona proves that the ladies of NYC can be compassionate and sympathetic - sometimes.

The rest of the episode is filled with arbitrary commentary from the ladies on the sideline.

Sonja is still drunk. As Heather states, she is #ihaveaproblemdrunk. She also gets human placenta facials.

Even Sonja admits to her state of unraveling. She claims, “I used to be classy. Now, I’m trashy.” Don’t shoot the messenger Sonja, but you’ve never been classy.

LuAnn loves The Hamptons and thinks “a couple extra pounds is good for my face.” You can’t see the pounds through the Botox, sister.

Kristen says her husband isn’t as much of an asshole. Doubt it.

And Carole is so busy having a fabulous life, she has forgotten to work. Her publisher scolded her for not meeting her writing deadlines.

Carole responded in her interview, “I should have been working harder and enjoying my life a little less.”

She might be joining the Bethenny and Hannah club for the most obnoxious shit said on this episode.

Certainly, this season will serve a healthy portion of drama. We just might need a drink or two to survive the return of Bethenny.

As Ramona would say, “Turtle Time!”

What did you think of The Real Housewives of New York City Season 7 Episode 1? Hit the comment section below and let us know how you feel about it.

As always, you can watch The Real Housewives of New York City online to see the action from start to finish ... we just suggest bracing yourself emotionally.

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