The Bachelorette Season 9 Premiere: Meet the Man Candy

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After being dumped by Sean Lowe during the hometown dates, beautiful brunette Desiree Hartsock is back and looking for love.

And a best friend to share life with her. And probably a little fame, too. (If this doesn't pan out, maybe she has a career as a rap artist?)

But hey, with 25 handsome and successful men flying in from all over for the chance to drink a lot of booze, spill some man tears, start some drama, all in the quest to win her hand, can we really blame her? 

Tonight she'll meet the men of The Bachelorette Season 9 and narrow the playing field down to 19 contenders. Of course, if you don't want to wait, feel free to skip ahead and read The Bachelorette spoilers to learn the identities of Desiree's Final Four.

The rest of us will be here watching what is sure to be two parts train wreck and one part treat.

Desiree Hartsock Bachelorette Poster

Desiree Hartsock lived a humbling life, so the extravagance of the house she'll be staying in on the hillsides of Malibu, CA is quite the step up. And someone put m&ms on her nightstand. Plus 5. Where do I get somebody to do that?

Sadness. We get to relive the tearful end of her relationship with Sean Lowe. Minus 10.

To help ease the pain of that breakup, The Bachelorette producers got her a Bentley. A. Bentley. Powder blue. She says she feels like she's exactly where she's supposed to be. 

After Desiree goes roller skating in a bikini top through Malibu, she sits down with Chris Harrison where she calls herself Cinderella no less than 3 times. She wants someone who can communicate how he feels. That means man tears, right?

She vows to kiss the guy if she feels like kissing the guy. GIRL POWER! Plus 8.

She's ready to weed out the men from the boys. So are we. Can we get to that now please?

(Sure we can. After Desiree says the words "this is a fairy tale" a zillion times.)

So, Chris Harrison introduces himself and the show right now at the 23 minute mark like we don't already know what's going on here. That will not ever cease to be not weird.

Hooray! We're meeting some of the men!

Desiree Hartsock and Chris Harrison

Bryden is from Montana. He's an Iraq war veteran who realized on his tour that he's ready to find a best friend he can share his life with. He's loyal, protective, sensitive, and plans to win her heart. Plus 2.

Will is a banker from Chicago who practices Bikram Yoga. And high fives random people on the streets. Nick R. is also from Chicago.. In addition to being a tailor, he's a magician.

Drew is 27 and he's in digital marketing, which means he does something with computers. Zak is from Texas. The middle of nowhere in Texas. He works in oil and gas and finds creative ways to entertain himself on his 15 acres. And one of those ways is by going nude. Plus 12.

Robert invented sign spinning. He and his buddies just had an idea one day 8 years ago and created a new style of advertising. And he rides a skateboard. He's this season's Jef with one F. Mike R is British without an accent. His family has the accent but he ditched it. Since Desiree's big on the Cinderella, he should maybe pick that back up.

Brandon is an adrenaline junkie. Not sure how he makes money wakeboarding, but okay. Adrenaline junkie. He was raised by his grandparents after his parents divorced. He believes in the power of positive thinking.

Desiree has arrived at the rendezvous spot and she's ready to meet her "husband." I hope she knows the track record of the Bachelorettes who've come before her.

Desiree Hartsock Smiles

Drew the digital marketer is the first out of the limo. He's too nervous to introduce himself. Brooks from Salt Lake City is the next out. He also forgets to introduce himself but demands a second hug.

Brad the accountant remembers his own name and brings a wishbone as a callback to Desiree's wish-making with Sean. She wins the wish.

Bryden's hoping that Sean's loss is his gain. Michael G. is a Federal Prosecutor. He's going into the fountain to try and find her penny so she can have a do-over on her wish from last year. 

The second limo arrives and Kasey climbs out. He works in social media and came up with his own hashtags: #marriagematerial and #letthejourneybegin. Minus 47 for the hashtags.

Will the yoga guy tells her she has the presence of a goddess and nicknames her Athena. Since she's the goddess of war, he maybe should have gone with Aphrodite. Mikey T is a plumber with a close family. He's an older brother so he understands her relationship with her brother. The relationship that sort of cost her Sean last season.

Jonathan goes bold and hands her a key to his own Fantasy Suite. Desiree is not amused. At all. Zak shows up without his shirt and asks if Desiree will accept his abs. (She'd be a fool not to accept his abs.) Plus 8.

James believes that loyalty is love and tells her that if they get married, he's going to get fat and old but they'll still be together. Larry is an ER doctor who loves to dance. He tries to dip her and her shoe gets caught on her dress. Awkward. 

Nick the magician brings her a paper rose which he lights on fire and turns into a white rose. Zack K. is a book publisher who rocks the Chucks with his tux. Those elicit a compliment from Des.

Diogo is here to be her knight in shining armor. Quite literally. Someone get that man an oil can and a turkey leg. Minus 7.

So far the guys have brought their cheesy A-games. But there are still 10 more to meet.

Desiree Hartsock on The Bachelorette

Chris is a mortgage broker who gets down on one knee and tie his shoe. Then says he wants to get off on the right foot. Ha. Ha. 

Mike R., the dental student, wore his white coat so he could be Desiree's McDreamy. Or McSteamy. Whichever. It's not like he knew the difference. Robert's not much of a tie guy, so he takes his off upon saying hello.

Juan Pablo is a Venezuelan soccer player. And Desiree can't even seem to say his name. That relationship is doomed. But he did bring her chocolate, so at least that's one language they both speak.

Brandon rides up on his motorcycle and Desiree asks to go for a ride. On his bike. Ahem. Plus 7.

Brian wears a soft jacket. Micah wears a suit he designed himself. It pales in comparison to Desiree's stunning red number from her own introduction. Pales.

Nick wrote a poem: "Des, after watching you at the end of last season/I know I'm here for the right reason./The way you showed such genuine emotion/Made my heart flutter like waves in the ocean." And we stopped listening and tried not to barf. Minus 4

Dan says he's happy to meet Desiree three times in 10 seconds. 

The final guy of the night, Ben brings his son Brody to meet Desiree. And then sends him back to grandma where he wins the hearts of America on the way back to the limo by asking if he did everything and wishing he could go to the party with his Dad. Heart. Melted. Plus 45.

All the men are in the house! Desiree's ready to get to know them. Chris Harrison tells her she doesn't have to wait until the ceremony to start passing out roses. If Sean can do it, so can she.

Kasey has another hashtag: #IWantARose. You and 18 other dudes, dude.

Desiree Hartsock Bachelorette Photo

With a little trick up his sleeve, Nick R. makes Des disappear for about 5 minutes and steals her away for the first one-on-one conversation. Like her, he's in the custom clothing industry. So, common ground for the two of them.

Brandon cuts in and asks Nick R. to disappear for 5 minutes. Minus 3. He tells her that he flipped a coin to decide whether he should take a shot at going on The Bachelorette or to his birthday party with his grandparents. Here he is. He gives the coin to Des and tells her to give it to his mom on their hometown date.

The guys take turns butting in and stealing Des away. Ben steals her and talks about his son. He's never been married and has a kid with his best friend. He loves to camp and so does Des. He gets the first rose of the night.

After getting the first rose, Ben starts dishing out advice to the other guys which the other guys do not appreciate. Haters gonna hate.

The other guys start game-planning to get the roses. Diogo​ wears his helmet and someone does a little dance for her. Zak says he has to do something to get her attention as if the fact that he's been shirtless all night hasn't been enough. So in addition to being shirtless, he takes off his pants and jumps in the pool. 

Wonder where she'll pin the rose now?

While he's swimming, the other guys whisk her away and Zak freezes. His stunt, or stripping down to his skivvies, earned him the second rose!

Zak Waddell Photo

Bryden​'s best friend is his dog. He plays the kid card, too, and tells the story of an Iraqi boy he befriended while overseas. He gets the third rose of the night.

Juan Pablo's accent prevents Desiree from hearing or understanding anything else. He shows her some soccer moves and then starts a scrimmage with the other guys. The other guys who are growing increasingly more frustrated that they don't have roses.

The guys get more and more antsy as Drew steals her away for a chat. With her boobs. Minus 6. She notices him looking at places other than her face and calls him on it. Then she gives him a rose.

Larry laments his failed attempt to dip DesireeHe's incredibly drunk. So drunk his face doesn't move when he talks and he takes his glasses off and puts them back on and takes them off again. So drunk. Minus 4.

Jonathan calls himself "the guy who does bold things" and plans to plant one on her in his own version of the Fantasy Suite. He does some one-legged push-ups to prepare. He tells her his Fantasy Suite comment was a joke she didn't get. She's doing her best to get away from him and he just won't let her leave.

She's not buying it. But hey, his mom says he's good looking. Des should totally go for that! 

He pulls a Vicki Gunvalson and talks about his empty love tank. And I make a dirty joke in my head about his empty love tank and all that time he's been spending alone in the Fantasy Suite. 

Kasey has another hashtag, and this one works. #FantasySuiteFail​. Plus 13.

Desiree asks Jonathan to leave immediately. No rose ceremony for him. Plus 15.

Chris Harrison swoops in and swipes the tray of remaining roses. The rest will be handed out at the Rose Ceremony. Which is happening right now.

The lucky guys receiving roses during the ceremony are:

  • Brandon
  • Zack K.
  • Will
  • Brooks
  • Juan Pablo
  • Brad
  • Kasey
  • James
  • Robert
  • Brian
  • Dan
  • Chris
  • Mikey

Joining the above 13 are:

  • Ben
  • Zak
  • Michael
  • Drew
  • Nick
  • Bryden

Larry's still upset about his failed attempt at dipping Des and Nick the magician doesn't understand how his tricks didn't work.

Diogo has an "explosion of love and feelings" to share with someone. Just not Desiree.

If the previews are any indication, get ready for a wild, tear-filled trip around the world as the bachelors attempt to woo Desiree Hartsock!


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