The Bachelor Season Premiere Recap: The "W" Word

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Finally, the moment we've all been waiting for! No, not Jillian's return to The Biggest Loser. Not even the National Championship football game.

The Bachelor is back! Sean Lowe, jilted by Emily Maynard during her stint as the bachelorette, the 29-year-old Texan is back and looking for love.

(If you're impatient and want to jump ahead in time, it's okay. We understand check out The Bachelor Spoilers to find out Sean's rumored top 4!)

Sean Lowe as The Bachelor

He skypes with his family and runs with his shirt off! What's not to love?

(I'd like an over/under on how many times we see Sean working out this season.)

One thing's for sure: Emily should've picked Sean. Seeing how she's already called it quits with Jef with one F and Sean was so in love with her and all.

Sean says "it took a while" to get over Emily. So, in TV talk, that means 15 minutes. Minus 3.

Shirtless Sean again. He wants a family. (Weren't Emily's ovaries in overdrive? Why didn't she pick him again?)

And shirtless again.

Sean Lowe Shirtless

Sean's got a friend coming over before he meets the 25 women who'll try to win his heart. That friend? Arie Luyendyk Jr. Plus 8 for the race car driver!

Well this is awkward. The guys crack a beer and talk about Emily. And it feels a little like Arie's auditioning for Chris Harrison's job. Maybe they can split the gig.

Arie coaches Sean on handing out roses, breaking up with girls, and kissing. This is maybe the best thing we'll see all night and we haven't even met the women yet. Plus 15.

Chris Harrison alert! He's going to tell us everything about Sean and Emily's relationship that Sean just told us! Hooray! Minus 8.

And here are the women. Or some of them.

Desiree, 26, is bridal stylist. She's waiting for the person who completes her. And judging by the bouquet she threw into the chandelier, she should work on her aim.

Desiree Hartsock Photo

Tierra, 24, from Denver, has had her heart broken twice. In her relatively short 24 years. But she's looking for her best friend. And Sean should maybe watch out because homegirl is as excited as a preteen at a Bieber concert that Sean's the bachelor. Minus 4.

Ashley P. is a hair stylist and is maybe a little too into 50 Shades of Grey. From here on out she'll be called Ashley-stasia. She has no idea why she's still single.

Finally, it's time for Sean to meet the women who'll vie for his affections for the next several weeks.

The first limo pulls up and Sean looks like he might vomit. I'm glad he and Arie didn't rehearse that.

Jackie, 25, is a Cosmetics Consultant. She wants to put her mark on him before the other girls get a chance to. Red lips right on his face. Hey, at least it wasn't an ostrich egg. Even still, Minus 4.

Selma pulls a tissue from her bra to wipe off Jackie's kiss. Or did she just rub it in? Plus 7.

Daniella teaches Sean a secret handshake that takes about a year to complete. She might have gotten into the minibar on the ride over. And by might have I mean she did. Minus 4.

Kelly's a cruise ship entertainer from Nashville. Which is landlocked, but whatever. American Idol auditions were months ago and she's no Carrie Underwood. Minus 5.

Sean Lowe, Bachelor Pic

Katie's a yoga instructor. A barefoot yoga instructor. Wear some shoes. Minus 7.

Ashley-stasia pulled a tie from her bra and left Sean - and the rest of everybody - speechless. Minus 20.

Tierra shows Sean her open-heart tattoo and hopes that he'll be the guy to complete it. Sean asks her to wait right there.

Maybe he had to pee?

Nope. He went to get a rose. Tierra doesn't have to wait until the ceremony. NOW who's making all the other girls jealous?? Plus 18.

Sean just sent Tierra into a combat zone with that rose in her hand. There might not be any of her left when he finally gets to go inside the house.

Outside, Amanda, a model, initiates an awkward pause so she and Sean can just go ahead and get that out of the way. And it's, well, yeah, it's awkward.

I'm not sure when purring at a guy became the way to win him over, but thanks for playing Brooke. Minus 8.

Lesley from D.C. brought a football so they can run a little play. She's the QB and this is just a way to see his butt up close and personal. Plus 6 for creativity.

Ladies, just a tip, it may not be good to lead with the promise of bodily harm by way of your father. Minus 4.

Lindsay showed up in a wedding dress and veil, calling herself a prankster with balls. Ummm... minus 7.

The Bachelor, Wedding Dress

Chris Harrison comes back and says there are 25 bachelorettes inside waiting to talk to him, which means Tierra must still be in one piece. So that's good news. Plus 8.

And just before Sean can go in and meet these 25 bachelorettes, who should arrive but Kacie from Ben's season. And Sean's certainly excited to see her.

So there are 26 girls this season instead of 25.

Sean calls it "overwhelming." Sean needs a drink. And then he drops the "w" word--wife--in a room full of tipsy women.

Group screaming is a thing now. Apparently.

First one-on-one with Sean? Kacie. And she's cold so Sean gives her his jacket. What a gentleman. Plus 8.

There's some history between the two of them, it seems, so she's got a slight advantage right now. Which is unfair to the other girls. Minus 4.

Des gets some alone time next and drops the bomb that she designs wedding dresses. If it works out, she's designing her own dress. She gets a rose. Plus 5.

There's more blood in the water as Des goes back into the room with a rose. The shark? Kacie. And all the other roseless women, too.

AshLee the organizer gets a rose. And now the girls are all confused and angsty and debating which rose is the First Impression rose. And AshLee uttered the phrase "I mean, you're stunning and all, but..." and I'm surprised Tierra didn't claw her eyes out.

AshLee Frazier Photo

Selma gets a rose. And Robyn gets a rose. And Katie gets a rose. And Catherine. And Jessie. But not Ashley H.

Sean has thrown the rules out the window tonight and I'm as confused as the girls are.

Lindsay the faux bride is drunk. And begging for a kiss. Minus 4.

She does not get a rose.

Ashley-stasia is blitzed. So she starts attempting to work some imaginary pole to the music playing in her head. She's so drunk she interrupts Sean on his speed date with Paige so she can be more freaky and awkward by pulling the tie out of her bra AGAIN. Minus 15.

"I also brought a rape whistle in case I'm in trouble." - Sean Lowe. Best line of the night. Plus 30.

And then there's "50 Shades of Grey may have become 50 shades of drunk tonight." Zing, Sean! Plus 10 more.

So now that about half the girls have roses, those who haven't had time with Sean are swarming and interrupting and the claws are coming out of some of these women. But for others, the claws are retracting.

A couple of the girls refuse to compete. Except, hello, this is a competition. So compete, ladies. Minus 9.

Sarah steps up and decides to grab Sean for some time alone. She takes the moment to go ahead and ask that she be treated the same as everyone else. And that gets her a rose. Plus 10.

It's time for the first Rose Ceremony. 12 women already have roses, and there are 7 roses to go. Sean drops the "w" word again and half these women think about dropping their panties.

Sean Lowe, Women

In addition to the roses Sean has already given out, he also gives roses to:

  • Amanda
  • Lesley M.
  • Kacie
  • Kristy
  • Daniella
  • Taran
  • Lindsay

A few of the crazies going home:

  • Ashley-stasia and her tie
  • Lauren, whose dad will hopefully leave Sean's legs in tact
  • Paige, who has failed at The Bachelor Pad and the Bachelor
  • Cruise Ship Kelly


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The Bachelor Quotes

There’s still a lot of growing to do in our relationship. We will not tie the knot until I am mentally and physically prepared as well as Matt.

Shayne Lamas

It was a fairytale proposal like I’ve always dreamed about. I forgot that there [were] cameras around. In that moment, it was just Matt and I and it was the most amazing moment of my entire life.

Shayne Lamas [on proposal by Matt Grant]