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Tonight the men spill the secrets of this season of The Bachelorette and single mom, Emily Maynard. They’ll talk douchebaggery and heartbreak. There might even be man tears.

But will they spill the biggest secret of all? That is, will they spoil which man won Emily’s heart?

Well, no. Probably not.

Oh well. The big teases.

Chris Harrison, a.k.a. Mr. Hostman, (get it? Mr. Hostman? Mr. Postman? Bring me a dream…okay, I’ll stop.) reminds us that the finale will be Sunday and Arie and Jef will be absent from tonight’s tell-all. But we’ll get plenty of Kalon and Ryan. Joy.

Before we meet the men, Chris and Emily dish on the season. They start out rehashing Ryan’s fantastic first date and following it up with every awful thing he said all season. I had such high hopes for him in the beginning. And then his ego got bigger than his heart. Minus 7.

And then we get a recap of Kalon and Emily’s “West Virginia Hood Rat” send-off. He was absolutely horrifying. Minus 4 for not getting rid of him sooner.

Oh, Doug. Poor Doug. And that awful, awful excuse for a kiss. What, is he 12? Minus 2.

Emily has quite the potty mouth, judging by the outtake from her date with Joe. And Travis kept Shelly the Egg in a bed. He even asked her to sing “Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star.” To the egg. And she didn’t send him home immediately? Minus 8.

Arie’s two younger brothers were peering through the bushes while they made out. Plus 12.

If you want to know why Chris finally went home, look no further than his lack of moves. Dance moves.

Oh look! ABC’s plugging the upcoming Bachelor Pad with the one and only Kalon McMahon. And Chris. And was that Single Dad Tony I saw?

Finally, Chris calls the guys and their spray tans to the stage! Seriously, the gym, tan, laundry that took place before this reunion show must have been epic. Minus 2

Sean’s the first one to call Emily a goddess. And it only takes about two seconds for John “Wolf” to rip on Kalon for his helicopter entrance.

Chris Harrison says that any time you have 25 guys and one hot blonde together, you’ll get “drama, jealousy, and a little bit of crazy.” It’s clear they didn’t like Kalon from the get-go, thought Doug was the House Dad, and thought Ryan was cocky. Plus 12.

Chris says he was immature because he loved Emily so much. All of his man tears were from the heart. Minus 6. He’s still all offended by the talk that 25 year olds weren’t old enough for Emily. The older guys still think he was being ridiculous.

Kalon’s convinced his helicopter entrance was completely cool. The guys all call him on it. He says he wasn’t himself after a few weeks and neither was anyone else. Charlie checks him and says he was upset that Kalon stuck around longer than he did because he was himself 100% of the time. Points to Charlie. Plus 8. Apparently, the guys should’ve just found Kalon confident and not narcissistic.

Oh, and he’s really good friends with Chris and Tony now that they’ve all done Bachelor Pad together. How…nice?

Kalon’s in the hot seat with Chris Harrison. (Does that sound like a late-night talk show or what?)

In the recap reel of Kalon’s time on the show, it’s amazing how big of an a$$hole he was. Amazing.

Kalon and Chris clarify that he didn’t know that single mom Emily was the bachelorette when they signed up and he felt like backing out after learning that would’ve said more about him than going forward with it.

Chris point blank asks Kalon if Kalon thought he was rude to Emily in London. Kalon says “obviously it’s a very unique scenario and some people thrive and some people don’t.” Kalon, THAT IS NOT AN ANSWER. Minus 30.

The guys just do not like him. That’s clear.

Ryan’s the most spray-tanned of them all tonight and he’s in Chris’ hot seat next. Ryan says he’s confident in himself and that’s part of his success in life. Chris is shaking his head. He clearly disagrees.

I disagree with how much bronzer Ryan’s wearing. Minus 12.

Chris asks Chris to clarify why he was shaking his head and Ryan just keeps interrupting him, mostly just to get under Chris’ skin. Chris Harrison asks “Is there a chance that you might just be an arrogant ass?” Ryan’s answer? “No.” Minus 15.

Ryan interrupts contestant Chris a couple more times and then Host Chris lets everyone know that Ryan will not be the next Bachelor. Thank Cheez-Its. Plus 10.

Contestant Chris hits the floor. Host Chris reminds us all that this young whippersnapper was the first to say he was falling in love with Emily. He looks grumpy watching through his recap. I guess all those ladies on Bachelor Pad were just rebounds. Minus 3.

And the man tears are on the verge of flowing. Minus 13.

It seems that no one can understand why Sean didn’t make it to the final two. So he’s in the hot seat next. Poor guy.

He still has feelings for Emily and never thought she’d send him home. He was ready to be a dad. I feel pretty awful for the dude. They would’ve made some pretty blonde-headed babies together.

Oh look! Emily’s here! Tony has to hug her. She better go wipe off those Bachelor Pad cooties.

This is the first time she’s seen any of the guys since they were cut. She did the ugly cry when she watched the episode where she had to let Sean go.

Then she says “What girl wouldn’t want Sean?” Well, you wouldn’t Emily. Minus 13.

Chris repeats everything Sean said, nearly verbatim. Apparently Emily’s really good at opening men’s eyes.

Emily addresses the awkward kiss with Doug and then thanks him for reporting on Kalon’s shady behavior. Without him, she could’ve ended up engaged to Kalon! After Kalon spouts off something that was supposed to be an apology, she says he should become a politician. Because he’s really good at bulls******g. Plus 12 Emily! Kalon quips that he wouldn’t have her vote. And we all (did not) guffaw.

Chris H. asks Emily about Ryan. They had fun together, but their values just didn’t line up. They seem amicable. Plus 4.

The blooper reel reveals more of Emily’s potty mouth. And apparently she likes men who are tattooed and look slightly homeless.

The tally so far:


Sunday night we’ll find out whether Emily will choose to spend the rest of her 15 minutes of fame life with Arie Luyendyk Jr. or Jef Holm.

Which bachelor should Emily choose?