Bachelor Pad Season Premiere Recap: The Game Has Changed; The Morons Remain the Same

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The best thing about Bachelor Pad is that ABC, with its dramatic music, editing nuances and constant winks at the audience, doesn't take it too seriously.

Some cast members, however, take themselves very seriously.

The second season kicked off with 16 castoffs and two "winners" from past seasons. To the surprise of no one, those winners dominated the premiere.

Let's break down the summer's first enthralling episode of Jake Pavelka vs. Vienna Girardi, Part III, a.k.a. Bachelor Pad 2, in THG's official +/- recap:

Bachelor Pad 2 Cast

The cast reminds us early and often that they're there for the $250,000. Minus 5, because that's not even that that much. It's the attention that's priceless.

Vienna Girardi's nose job steps out of the limo. Chris: "Are you hoping [Jake's] not here?" Vienna: "Praying." Chris: "Well, I'm glad you're back." Plus 9.

Why is "Rated R" now called "The Wrestler"? Either way, Plus 4 for being the only guy to embrace his past sleaziness and present motives honestly.

Michelle Money revealed that her dad was diagnosed with Stage 4 colon cancer, making her seem a lot more human and (slightly) less insane. Plus 6.

Who is this princess girl again? Why is she posing like that? Minus 3.

Vienna attempts to convey she's in panic mode, complete with full cartoonish lip trembling. She can rule out acting as a career field. Minus 10.

Kasey Kahl: "I'm gonna take a Jake, and wipe my Pavelka with it." Plus 8.

Minus 3 for his voice, though. Makes you want to stab your own ears.

Vienna and Wes hooked up? Wait, why are we surprised, it's Vienna and Wes. Minus 4 anyway, because Vienna is clearly not right in the head.

Kasey, Vienna's new man, is SO ready to WHOMP Jake's ass. Until Pavelka arrives and they talk about the weather. Not awkward at all. Plus 5.

Classic Bachelor Pad

Plus 8 for Rated R's reaction to Vienna and Kasey's reunion (above).

"I'm mentally beating the crap out of him, it feels freakin' awesome," Kasey said after Jake calmly approached him. Whatever you say. Minus 7.

Like on Big Brother, the roomies have to form alliances and win challenges to fend off elimination. First up? The sex-harness challenge! Plus 6.

Ames Brown is so normal, nice, smart and cool. Plus only 8, though, because that combination makes you wonder why he's on Bachelor Pad.

Ames and Jackie are hooking up, but not partners? Come again? Minus 6.

After a frightening Michelle Money cleavage shot, she and Ames are ousted. Minus 7. William also drops Gia after about two minutes. Weak.

Jake and Jackie somehow end up as one of the last two couples and hold off the other - Vienna and Kasey - to win the immunity rose! Plus 7.

As they also get a third rose to use as they see fit, Vienna calls Kasey a liar promising to be there for her and then dropping her. Plus 4 more.

Vienna misuses "literally" approximately once per minute. Minus 7.

Kasey Kahl Photo
Vienna Girardi Bikini Photo

Kasey's alliance with Gia lasted about 12 seconds. Plus 6.

Gia to Jake, re: Vienna: "She's, like, brainwashed you! You're trying to kill the enemy, you don't put the enemy in a bomb shelter when you could just bomb them." Plus 8, because this is like deja vu all over again.

Jackie leaves the decision of who gets the rose up to Jake, who for no rhyme or reason, decides to be nice (?) and offer it to ... Vienna! Minus 11.

Wow. Jake is not only a bad strategist, he really sucks for screwing Gia over. Minus 22, because Gia sticking by the guy in itself was remarkable. When you're as big a douche as he is, you don't abandon your few allies.

Why not give the rose to Ames? More Ames! Plus 4.

It says a lot about BP2 that Jake, possibly the biggest douchebag in reality TV history, is given a real run for his money. No points, just saying.

The girls send off Rated R/The Wrestler, which is disappointing since he brought real entertainment. Minus 7, though, for overplaying his hand.

The guys vote off Alli Travis for reasons unknown. Did she not show enough cleavage? Show a penchant for backstabbing? Whatever. Minus 1.

Who else is hoping Holly and Michael get together, money or not? They seem nice and both seem to want to. Plus 3, although it's hopeless.


ELIMINATED: Justin Rego, Alli Travis.

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