Big Brother Recap: Milking It So Hard

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An alliance was formed last night on Big Brother, but does it stand a chance - and given a certain cast member's impending departure, does it even matter?

Let's recap last night's episode, THG style ...

The fact that the stuff going on with Evel Dick (spoiler alert) will not be addressed until Wednesday made his machinations seem unimportant. Minus 5.

Still, that guy rules. Plus 5. One episode in and he's already assumed the role of puppet master, trying to lure the newcomers over to the Dark Side.

The Big Brother 13 Cast

Evel Dick's not the only one working in secret. Keith forms The Regulators with Cassi, Lawon, and Dominic. Great name ... R.I.P. Nate Dogg. Plus 5.

Meanwhile, Porsche aligns herself with Dick in like 20 seconds. Don't VIP cocktail waitresses know when they're getting played? Wait, forget it. Minus 2.

Some of the partnerships formed in the season premiere are fun (well, mainly Cassi and Shelley) but the Regulators forming a splinter cell was smart. Plus 6.

Plus 4 for Jordan pulling the Dutch Oven on Jeff. Kinda gross, yes. But it's these little, real-life moments and exchanges that just make you heart them.

Even though the concept of "floating" will be harder to pull off in this format, Plus 4 for Brendon recycling Rachel's "grab a life vest" line from 2010.

Brendon urges Rachel not to get Botox or plastic surgery. Plus 6. Say what you will about Brenchel, they genuinely love each other for who they are.

Nauseating flashbacks ensue as Rachel screams "Who wants to see my HoH roooooooooom?!" Somewhere, Britney is clawing her eyes out. Minus 7.

Jeff and Jordan have a nice chat with Shelly about her husband. She seems quite awesome. You gotta hope she survives at least a month or so. Plus 2.

Kalia looks miserable 24/7. Carrie B. looks fab 24/7. Just saying. Minus 4.

Minus 3, or one for each of Lawon's third-person references to Lawon.

Keith and Porsche

The Have/Have Not challenge was solid. Many bad puns ... the veterans kicking ass and taking names ... the losers sent off to Guantanamo Bay. Plus 7.

Jordan, on the event: “If I was a cow I would definitely not want to be on the moon. I would want to be on the farm with all the other cows." Plus 7.

We know the game required serious effort, but DEAR GOD, did Keith really need to hump his team members like that?! Disturbing. Minus 15.

Dick tries to lure Adam over to the vets' camp. Fortunately, the metal head knows this is too good to be true. And he got his bacon. Plus 6.

Rachel views Keith as a threat to dispatch and Porsche as an ally they can use for a few weeks, so on the block they go. Strategically, not a bad call. Plus 9.

Both Keith and Porsche are totally convinced they're fine and that the other is toast, which is always classic. But will both actually survive?

Presumably there's still going to be a Power of Veto, but in light of recent events, is it pointless? Minus 20 for CBS not addressing this yet.


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