The Real Housewives of Miami Recap: Mean Girls vs. Semi-Working Moms

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With each episode of The Real Housewives Of Miami, we find ourselves loathing the six self-important women more. And yet we meet again to recap last night's devilry.

Are these floozies growing on us? Are we starting to dislike some more than others?

Could Lea have covered the Texas twins up a bit more? Come, weary readers. Let us support one another as we try to make sense of Andy Cohen's latest masterpiece.

First off, it's essential that we touch upon Marysol's weekly intro. The camera captures her. She turns. She looks. She brings her finger to her cheek and... there you have it. The (temporary) face of a winner.

We're starting to see alliances form between cast members. It looks like Adriana and Alexia are finding common ground because they both need people to recognize that they can be both socialites and semi-working women.

Latina Lohan (Christy) and Larsa don't have that problem because they don't get the concept of maternal guilt. You can't wear a postage stamp while running after your own kids, riiiiight? Neglect is key to looking as slorish as Larsa and Christy do.

So it's divided into two teams: The mean girls (Christy and Larsa) and the women who think they're busier than they really are (Adriana and Alexia). Scenario: You're dining a la crock pot, when your child calls for a ride home from school.

If you're Adriana, you first beg your gentleman caller to go instead because you need to sleep off that mojito buzz from lunch. If the husband gives you lip, you can either pout and beg him to pick up your son, or you can do as the mean girls do and say "Girrrrrrrrrrrrl, you better lock him up for the rest of the week."

Keep saying "Girrrrrrrrrrrrrl."

Afterwards, invite your teammate over to rehash the details of that awkward lunch, as Alexia did with Adriana. We could hire drivers, they say to themselves. But no! We have something to prove to everyone else, so we're going to put on our best faces and pretend to be involved mothers. It's hard balancing a job you don't really go to with spending a few hours parenting your child. So hard! Time for a drink!

Last week, Larsa told us she does it all: cooks, cleans, rears the children.

This week, the truth set her free and we learned that Larsa does employ help. Damn it, the help is dumb. Can't a girl take herself out to lunch five days a week without having to worry if the nanny can clean the bunny cage? What are we paying her for?

And who does the nanny expect wiill pack the kids' bags for Disney World? Their mom? Get out of town. Larsa's a cool mom. She's not one of those moms who yells at her kids for not finishing their homework or cleaning their room. That's for moms who wear dowdy mu-mus. This cool mom wears short shorts that make her son blush.

I caught a "social economic" coming out of Alexia's mouth at one point. She's the executive editor of a high-end (local) magazine, hmm? Is she sleeping with the owner? Oh, wait...

Lea is putting together a gala to keep the kids out of jail. Everyone's invited: Gloria Estefan, Natalie Cole, Kim Zolciak, Joe Francis - why do people want to be friends with Joe Francis? People are going all out for this particular gala, because it keeps the kids out of jail! Marysol is wrapping her hair with a bike lock, Lea bought a $500 ticket for her boobs. 

The only freeloader in sight is Christy, and I cannot WAIT for that invoice to come in. That'll be $1500, Lohan. $500 for you, and $500 for the minions you corralled into co-crashing this gala to keep kids out of jail.

Two more things: Fredric needs to wash his hair, and I can't look Elsa Patton directly in the face.

What did you think of The Real Housewives of Miami last night? Discuss!