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On a scale of 1-10, the drama on last night’s The Real Housewives of Atlanta registered an 11. What led to such mayhem in Miami? Our critic reveals all in the following review…

Nene Leakes was in rare form… and that’s saying a lot.  From the moment she got on the tour bus, Nene attacked Kim about her singing, her dancing, her treatment of Sweetie, her wigs; for basically just being alive.  Nene demanded respect and when Kim told her to shut up, that seemed to set off some chemical imbalance in Nene’s head.

Sheree, Phaedra and Cynthia were hoping for the most relaxing weekend of their lives and had no idea what awaited them when the bus finally appeared in the driveway of Thomas Kramer’s Star Island mansion.  A “Big Popppa-esque” friend of Kim’s, creepy Thomas, had offered up his estate for the ladies to use for their getaway. 

Real Housewives of Atlanta

They were shocked when Nene and Kim shot out of the bus like bats out of Hell.  Phaedra felt like she was watching a UFC match.  Sheree was stunned at the level of anger Nene was spewing.  Nene was all about “slaves and popping eyes out!” (Thank you, Phaedra.)  And Cynthia thought this was going to be a mellow weekend.  Surprise!

Upon meeting Thomas, Nene’s first words to him were how she couldn’t believe he was friends with a whack job like Kim.  The other ladies just looked around in disbelief at the ticky tacky hacienda.  Eccentric didn’t even begin to describe the place.  Not only was the mansion painted a bizarre red, but the inside contained enough stuffed wildlife and freakish artwork to fill a sideshow.  Perfect for the circus this weekend had become.

Sweetie was upset at Nene’s stupidity.  How dare Nene call her a slave? Slaves don’t get paid, dumbass! Kim tried to console Sweetie and hoped that Sweetie didn’t think she really treated her like a peasant. 

Meanwhile, Kandi sided with Nene on how Kim talks to people.  But she reminded Nene that Sweetie is a grown ass woman.  She can make her own decisions on how she’ll be treated.  Kim mistakenly thought Kandi would have her back on this one and made the decision that her friendship with Nene was over.  Strangle me once, shame on you…strangle me twice, shame on me.  Game over.

The tension was out of control in the house.  Nene wanted to stay at a hotel, but the ladies told her that would ruin the whole point of getting together for a “girls only” weekend so she stayed.  They should have let her go.  She bitched, she griped, she moaned, she rolled her eyes until it looked as if she were having a seizure.  Especially annoyed that everyone seemed to have invited a guest, Nene was upset that nobody was following the rules.  When Ladyboy Lawrence, Sheree’s hair stylist, showed up for dinner Nene decided she need an ally and invited her friend Diana, aka “The Hulk,” down for the weekend.

Kim and Kandi played their final gig of the tour at an outdoor music festival.  Kim mercifully only performed “Tardy for the Party” since they had to cut her stage time down to one song. 

Nene attended the show, but was beyond bored.  Sheree and Phaedra were pleasantly surprised by her performance.  Kandi killed on stage when she sang “Fly Above” and declared that she was super ready to be on the top of the charts again.  The promo tour went well, but Kandi was glad it was finally over.

At brunch the next day, Kim made the decision there was no reason Sweetie should be sent home now that Nene had invited Diana for the weekend.  The weekend was not about Nene, it was about Cynthia, so to Hell with Nene’s “rules.”  Kim called out Nene for being an ungrateful guest and told her if she was so unhappy with the estate and Thomas’ hospitality then she should stop chowing down his food and guzzling his wine.  Was Nene the worst houseguest ever?  Hell to the yes!

Cynthia stressed out about her impending (maybe) wedding the entire weekend.  She was in Miami for her AZ Araujo bikini runway show and decided to focus on that, at least for the moment. After all, she needed the money.  Looking fierce in the bathing suits she modeled, the ladies were all amazed at how much junk Cynthia had in her trunk.  Who knew? 

Complimentary to her face, the cattiness hurled by the ladies behind Cynthia’s back was meow-mean.  Sheree judged Cynthia to be a size 12; Nene said “young” was not on Cynthia’s side; and Phaedra eloquently commented that Cynthia looked like a pretzel dipped in cottage cheese.

Cynthia’s stress level peaked at lunch the following day when Kandi asked about Cynthia’s honeymoon plans.  Breaking down, she ran out and Nene tried to convince her that they should leave Miami immediately.  Sheree was beyond livid and thought Cynthia was an ungrateful bitch.  The ladies had all flown down to Miami for Cynthia’s bachelorette party and now Cynthia wanted to bail?  Sheree advised Cynthia to get out from under Nene’s ass and woman up.

The ladies discussed the source of Cynthia’s stress being financial and her wanting to save face by continuing with the wedding plans. They all agreed that Cynthia had to get married for the right reasons.  That didn’t mean canceling the bachelorette party, though.  Phaedra had strippers lined up, after all, and she couldn’t let those go to waste.

Sheree convinced Cynthia to stay and the party finally got going when Ladyboy Lawrence broke the ice by doing spot-on imitations of all the ladies.  Phaedra’s stripper clients (!?!) gyrated about and the weekend finally came together.

Finally relaxed, Cynthia was ready to face her wedding drama back home.  Here comes the (runaway) bride!