The Bachelor Recap: Seal Clubbing and Soul Baring

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There comes a time each season on The Bachelor where we find ourselves basically going through the motions. That time is usually weeks 2-9 out of 10.

That said, last night's third episode actually provided some genuine emotion, some drama, some stalking and some unintentional comedy for the ages.

Not shabby, right? Let's break it down. On to THG's classic +/- recap!

Chantal in Action

Chantal could actually pass for an action movie star. Maybe.

The women partake in an action shoot. Minus only 3, because while this was fairly pointless, it could not compare to the awkwardness of the first one-on-one.

Ashley S. and Brad go to Capitol Records and "sing" Seal's hit "Kiss from a Rose." This is beyond bad, but Plus 4 for the sense that they just want it to end too.

During the date, Michelle is complaining about having to "share" Brad, who is "mine. MINE." Lady, have you not seen seasons 1-30 of The Bachelor? Minus 10.

Seal personally appears to serenade them! Plus 7, because while this marks the end of Seal's career, dude probably got paid, and is still married to Heidi Klum.

Minus 9 for Heidi Klum not appearing.

Ashley S. seems like a sweetheart, but she and Brad have very little chemistry. Pretty much a wasted date, rose aside, with the exception of Seal. Minus 3.

The group date of 13 women was basically Michelle, Shawntel, Chantal and Ashley H., with the rest of them standing around trying to look hot. Plus 7.

When Michelle is around, the show somewhat ceases to be The Bachelor and becomes The Michelle Show. And she's not even acting (we think)! Minus 8.

Chantal O'Brien is very attractive and cool in a unique way. That "unique way" is probably just being herself in a house packed with fakes. Plus 5.

Michelle Money Pic

Michelle enters into prime stalker mode. Brad is somehow turned on.

Plus 9, or one for each "Money Shot" comment we were tempted to make when Michelle Money was shown, but declined to because there were girls present.

Wine country date card: "Love is intoxicating." Weak. Minus 4. How about "Want some cheese with that whine?" Eh, eh? Or "Let's get tipsy and make out a lot."

Emily Maynard is so sweet and her story so moving that Madison weeps and another girl laments that no one can hate her ... as much as they want to. Plus 13.

Brad tries to pry info out of Emily but all she gives him is, "I'm just like everybody. When I'm tired, I get grumpy. Same as everybody else." Minus 2. Get to it.

Eventually, she does, and we have to say, it was gripping. You almost want to marry this girl yourself ... whoever you are. Brad seems to concur. Plus 17.

Emily Maynard Hugs Brad

Just propose now Brad. Why go through the motions?

Before the cocktail party, Brad meets with HIS THERAPIST to talk feelings. Umm, that's what Chris is for. His title is Host/Pimp/Therapist! Minus 9.

Ashley is feeling insecure, but Brad takes care of that by pressing his body against hers a lot. Must be sweet to be The Bachelor sometimes. Plus 7.

Crazy Michelle tells Brad "you and I are kind of in a fight." He should have sent her home right then. Instead: "Explain yourself!" Ugggh. Minus 8.

Alli tells Brad, "I wrapped myself up like a present so I could open up to you." So many visions of Andy Samberg and Justin Timberlake. Plus 5.

Perhaps late for a Vampire Diaries audition, Madison peaces out of the rose ceremony. Brad chases after her but Fang Girl, clearly distraught and unable to cope, insists she must go. Her skin will begin to sparkle at daybreak. Minus 4.


ROSE RECIPIENTS: Alli Travis, Ashley Hebert, Ashley Spivey, Britt Billmaier, Chantal O’Brien, Emily Maynard, Jackie Gordon, Lindsay Hill, Lisa Morrisey, Marissa May, Meghan Merritt, Michelle Money, Shawntel Newton, Stacey Queripel.

OUT: Kim Coon, Sarah Powell and Madison Garton.

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The Bachelor Quotes

There’s still a lot of growing to do in our relationship. We will not tie the knot until I am mentally and physically prepared as well as Matt.

Shayne Lamas

It was a fairytale proposal like I’ve always dreamed about. I forgot that there [were] cameras around. In that moment, it was just Matt and I and it was the most amazing moment of my entire life.

Shayne Lamas [on proposal by Matt Grant]