The Real Housewives of New Jersey Season Finale: Caroline vs. Danielle!

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If rumors are to be believed, Danielle Staub appeared in her final, non-reunion Real Housewives of New Jersey episode last night.

Fortunately, the mentally unbalanced nut job gave our reality show correspondent plenty to write about, as she wraps up her hilarious reviews below. Enjoy...

Saying goodbye to this show felt a lot like when I was a summer camp counselor and I had to say goodbye to the most annoying girl in my cabin.  It’s sort of like, oh, 'I’m going to miss her so much even though she’s mostly a gigantic pain in my ass.'

The Housewives Girl

You know that once in awhile (and I mean ONCE in a LONG, LONG while) she could be funny or entertaining and you start thinking that the times where she was funny and entertaining were much more numerous than they actually were.  And you get all nostalgic and think you selfishly pissed away your good times together, that you were a bitchy counselor who just focused on all the stupid shit she did.

And you throw yourself onto your metal bunk bed with the 30-year-old, plastic-encased, stained, thin-as-hell mattress and allow your eyes to fill with tears because you know you’ll never see each other again and you wish, despite all you experienced with her that summer, that you could catch one last glimpse of her and give her one final hug goodbye.

Well, sort of like that.

I’m not going to lie, I am happy to unlock from my ankle the ball and chain that is this show.  I toss it gleefully in the river.  But it did have its good moments.  Sometimes it was kooky and silly and gleeful in its trashiness.  But, nevertheless, I say goodbye for now, Franklin Lakes!  Goodbye, batshit crazy Housewives!  Let’s hope you manage to survive until next summer when we meet again.

The penultimate episode started out with the whole House clan heading over to Teresa’s house to feast upon bowls of olive oil with hunks of Parmigiano-Reggiano drowning in it.  They discuss, of course, the Prostitution Whore and the case against Ashley, the moron daughter.  Caroline is getting all hot and bothered about this stuff. 

“She just is so driven to try and hurt every single one of us.  The bottom line is, she just won’t go away.”  Caroline has the brilliant plan that she should go set things straight with our beloved Danielle.  (Hmmm..I wonder who came up with this idea?  Maybe…THE PRODUCERS?)  Caroline doesn’t seem to remember that every other Housewife has tried this only to have their various encounters with Danielle go spectacularly awry.  Caroline says she’ll don a bikini and dive into the mud pit with the Prostitution Whore as long as her homies have her back.  

Evil Danielle

Back at her moldering cave, Danielle gets Caroline’s text.  Caroline has written, “I’d like to put an end to all the nonsense,” and the Prostitution Whore doesn’t like that.  But Danielle is a strong, independent lady now and she’s going to this little get-together, come hell or high water.  She reminds her daughters to trust her because they’ve been praying about it.

What does this prayer sound like, you ask?  Danielle:  “Dear Gawd, please flip Dina’s Mercedes into a ditch.  And give Caroline the flesh-eating virus.  And have Jacqueline get run over by a freak escape bullet train.  And let Teresa’s daughters cannibalize her.  Oh, and let me find my biological mom and please make her an heiress.  Amen.”  Daughters:  “Dear Gawd, please send Child Protective Services to our house right now.  Mommy scares us.” 

In Danielle’s own words, “I’m not in fear no more.”  Her daughters roll their eyes as Mommy Dearest declares she will be heading into battle. 

“I will get the dignity and the respect that I deserve,” she declares.  Of course you will, honey!  Just like you did at the table-flipping dinner.  I mean, just like you did when you met with Dina at the restaurant.  No, I mean just like you did at the baby cancer dinner thing!  No, wait!, I mean just like you did at the fashion show!!  NO, HOLD ON, just like you did when you took Ashley to court!!!  Oh, screw it. 

You’ll never get the dignity and respect you deserve, Danielle, because you deserve no dignity and respect.  You deserve to be thrown face-first down into a sewer in a very heavily populated urban neighborhood.

Poor, poor Discount Danny shows up at Danielle’s fortress of solitude.  He hasn’t been fed or watered in a few days and is just looking for Danielle to throw some scraps his way.  Unfortunately for him, he gets the 4-1-1 on Danielle’s text from Caroline while he squats on the stairs in his stocking feet, stomach growling. 

Discount’s theory is that Caroline is the ruler of the clan.  He’s sort of listening to the Prostitution Whore but you can see in his eyes that he’s over it too.  He wants a hot meal and a spin-off show or he’s giving up this charade of being friends with Danielle.  Even trashy ex-con bodyguards with Supercuts haircuts and Wal-Mart jeans can take only so much.

Over at the Manzos, Caroline is talking with her #1 crush, Crown Prince Albie, and their beautician daughter about the upcoming meeting.  “I’m going there to try to bring peace to a very ugly situation,” Caroline explains to those of us watching who are like, “WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU MEETING WITH HER FOR??   WHAT GOOD WILL IT POSSIBLY DO?”  Yuck, it’s so fake and staged.

Then the show builds up the two women going to this stupid meeting, their SUVs speeding across anonymous freeways, their brows furrowed with anxiety.  Danielle, of course, has a bodyguard and a driver.  “I don’t have any reason for stress knowing that there’s guys here with guns.”  If she is so scared that she needs protection like this, then why is she going?  Perhaps because the producers are forcing her?  Honestly, why else would this be happening?

At the Brownstone that used ashtray of a banquet hall, all the other Housepeople are feasting together.  Apparently they are just sitting there waiting to hear from Caroline.  Hmmm... maybe because the producers want everyone in the same room to make this dumb meeting seem like a bigger deal than it really is?  Oh dear, then Ashley runs to the ladies’ room in her backless sweater. Jacqueline chases her, Silent Bob and Silent Boyfriend discuss—it’s so boring and stupid.  Obviously the show is just trying to kill time before the big Caroline vs. Danielle fisticuffs.

Finally the stupid meeting happens... ALSO AT THE BROWNSTONE?  What the hell?  Are they seriously just downstairs from all the other assembled family we’ve been forced to watch waiting around aimlessly?  “In my mind this is just a crazy merry-go-round that never stops,” Caroline begins. “I agree,” says Danielle. 

So, it’s all nice and sweet to start.  But then Caroline brings up the case against Ashley and the Prostitution Whore starts getting a little edgy.  “When you assault someone physically, you do have to be punished,” she says.  Danielle isn’t backing down and the two women are starting to talk over one each other.  Then Caroline says a bunch of crap about how she stands with her family and about attacking children and yadda yadda yadda.  “Your family came and made friends with my friends,” says Danielle in a typically incomprehensible moment. 

Caroline on RHONJ

Nothing particularly interesting happens.  No one reaches over and chokes the other, no one tosses red wine in the other’s eyes, no one picks up a chair and smashes someone across the face with it, no one leaps across the table and suffocates the other with a good thigh-squeeze to the face. 

Then Caroline calls Danielle “garbage” again and Danielle stalks out.  “She is vacant, she is soulless. There is nothing there.  Why waste my time?” reflects Caroline.  “She ain’t no matriarch of my family,” wisely observes Danielle.  And that’s it.  We’ve waited all season for this vile and boring moment. 

Back at her hole, Danielle forces her daughters to thank her bodyguard and driver for keeping mommy safe while over somewhere else, I swear it’s the Brownstone yet again, Caroline reports to the group. The poor babies and children of the group have been kept awake to the wee hours to hear this recap so it better be good. 

Caroline’s summary?:  “Long and short of it is that I called her a clown, I called her garbage.  She cannot hurt us because we are a family.  It’s over.” 

She’s hungry and tired and has a headache.  We all do.  Then Ashley fake apologizes to her mom.  It’s a fake moment of fake love between two fake people.  Everyone is going to move forward and try to make things better.  We’re supposed to think this is sweet and uplifting.  We get little summaries of everyone’s current lives, now that the show is over for a season.  Nothing exciting to report.  A truly boring ending.

So, arrivederci, my little pepperoncinis!  We’ve laughed, we’ve rolled our eyes, and we’ve cried... and cried, and cried.  Thoughts on the last episode?  Also, thoughts on the rumor that Danielle won’t be back next season?  Will the show be better without her?  Is anyone else as excited as I am that this clunker of a show has finally been hauled off to the junkyard for the season?

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