The Real Housewives of New Jersey Recap: Pink Limos, Little Divas, Danielle Drama and More!

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A newborn was taken home this week; a nine-year old received lavish gifts at her birthday party; and, of course, Danielle Staub was at the center of all the drama. Incredibly, she managed to come across worse than ever. That's hard to do.

Follow along with our Real Housewives reviewer as she goes inside the fifth episode of season two of The Real Housewives of New Jersey. As usual, the show was both nauseating and entertaining...

Sweet fancy Moses!  Tonight’s episode was so crazy I actually felt stressed-out watching it.  I got all hot and my heart was racing.  This show is proving to have an adverse effect on my health.  Reminder to self:  Must take a Xanax chased by an entire box of wine followed by an entire carton of Blue Bell Old Country Ice Cream before watching next week.

Everything started out sweet... well, sort of.  Teresa and Shirtless Joe (who, shockingly, wore a shirt the entire time but I still like that nickname) brought baby Audriana home.  The baby got to enjoy sister Gia’s ninth birthday party.  This was quite an event!  Teresa hired a hot pink limo to take Gia and her friends to a spa to get facials, manicures, fancy hairdos, and then, oddly, to form a mosh pit and grind under a disco ball. 

Spas where I live don’t typically have disco balls and dance floors, but perhaps I am just ignorant on this subject.

The Housewives Girl

Let’s just pause for a moment on this birthday party, okay?  When I was nine would I have wanted a facial and a fancy hairdo?  Hell no!  I would have wanted a homemade cake, a Pound Puppy or two, and probably a few runs down the Slip n’ Slide in my backyard.  Judging by the faces of some of the little girls in attendance at this party, they were thinking the same thing.  Their expressions ranged from excited to confused, perplexed, and overwhelmed. 

I could so identify with the more freaked-out girls. Who doesn’t remember being invited to a birthday party that you instantly regretted attending?  Some of those poor kids looked like they just wanted to call their moms and escape from Teresa’s World of Tutus and Insanity.

While I do think Teresa is a genuinely loving mom and I know she only wants what is best for her daughters, she is teaching them from infancy that materialism is the greatest value one can possess. She brags to us, “Gia is my oldest and it’s her ninth birthday today.  And of all my daughters she is the most high-maintenance, so I want her party to be an event to remember.” 

Umm... maybe she’s so high-maintenance because you insist on making everything an “event to remember."  If you didn’t make such a big stink over every little thing, your daughter wouldn’t be a “diva." Teresa goes on to say, “Gia is a total girly-girl.  Teresa only raises divas, not tomboys.”   

Being a diva isn’t like being born with brown eyes; one has some control over it.  Teresa seems essentially kind and sweet, but I really do wonder what her daughters will be like when they grow up.  I imagine they won’t be what Teresa is hoping for.

But let’s move on to the focus of tonight’s episode:  The Showdown at the Brownstone!

Holy crap, this was something else.  So, the main point here is that Danielle was planning on helping out with a children’s cancer charity.  But, oops, the event was being held at the Brownstone, bastion of Danielle’s archenemies, the Manzos.  And, double oops, Danielle has no money to contribute to the charity. 

She says, “Although I don’t have financially the ability help out I do know people who have more than they need.”  Hmm... here’s a thought, Danielle:  Maybe get a job?  This is just one of the ten million reasons she shouldn’t be getting involved in this event at the Brownstone.  She can’t even contribute! 

She asks for money from other people:  Soooo tacky.  It’s not like she’s running a marathon for breast cancer and asking for donations.  She wants people to give her money so she can look like she’s a big contributor and so she can be front and center handing a check to a family in need.  Ugh - it’s so revolting.

In her search for a sugar mama, Danielle visits her friend Kim G.  This woman is a real treat and oh so modest.  She tells us right off the bat, “You know something?  I live in this town and I have a very beautiful home but most of my friends aren’t from here and they’re very down to earth and they’re very simple and they don’t have what I have so I don’t go around bragging.”  Oh, don’t be bashful, deary! 

Is this what Kim thinks passes for polite talk - calling your friends “simple?"  Danielle has honed in on Kim and wants Kim to accompany her to the charity event at the Brownstone.  Now, is this because they’re “friends” or because Kim has money?  I know what I think and I’ll let you form your own opinion. And Danielle is so proud to be able to show up with Kim next to her. 

She says, “Tonight I am attending a benefit for Emanuela at the Brownstone.  I do have some hesitations about the Brownstone, but I’m not nervous to go there because my heart’s in the right place and I know why I’m going.  Wait till they get a load of who my friend is!”  Danielle has no idea what “right place” her heart should be in.

Danielle Scene

Now, Danielle is aiming for a full-on entourage to back her up when she goes to this charity event. Little ole’ Kim G will simply not be enough.  Danielle also hires a scruffy dude named Danny to “protect” her.  This Danny is a real winner:  He is on parole for some sort of violent offense and legally can’t drink for six more days.  

But Danielle is not one to discriminate when it comes to discount bodyguards.  She says, “I don’t care if you’ve been to prison.  I don’t care if you just got out.  He’s protecting me.”  If you need protection that badly then perhaps you might want to rethink attending this event at all.  Just a thought.

Let’s pause for a moment and remind ourselves what the other Housewives are thinking about this situation:
- Jacqueline:  “Danielle wants everyone to think that she’s this innocent person and she’s the victim of everybody’s attacks on her when she’s not a victim. She’s a nutjob.”
- Teresa:  Danielle is, “A ho bag slash prostitution whore slash sociopath.  And that’s pretty scary.”
- Dina:  “I think Danielle is just a little crazy and she acts like she’s in such fear of our family when no one bothers with her.  No one cares about her.”
- Caroline:  Too many hateful quotes to choose just one.  Trust me, Caroline despises Danielle worse than anyone else.

Back to the Browstone.  Danielle arrives with her posse in a Bentley.  They are greeted at the door by some shady looking characters.  Evidently, ex-Con Danny called for some back-up, one of which is the head of the Hell’s Angels in his leather jacket.  You stay classy, Franklin Lakes!  Danielle is nonplussed by these uninvited guests.  She says, “I know there was a couple of ex-cons, Danny being one.”

Caroline’s son Christopher has been warned by his mother to stay away from psycho Danielle.  He hides in the shadows until Danielle approaches him.  “I wanted to shake his hand, just like a little psychological f-you.  I’m walking in the door at your second home, your business.  It felt good,” Danielle says.  Come on, now.  This quote says it all. 

She cannot even pretend that she is there simply for charity.  She’s there to screw around with people!  And why does she even care about messing with Christopher?  What difference does someone’s rather unintelligent 20-year-old kid make in the fights of middle-aged women?  Most importantly, the other Housewives never mess around with Danielle’s kids.  She would go completely Jack Torrance in The Shining on their asses if they even tried it.

Heading Home

Once inside the Brownstone, Danielle greets the mom of the cancer patient for whom this entire charity event is organized.  Danielle tells this poor woman, “Whatever you need, whatever you want.  Just don’t hesitate to call me.”  The mom wipes away tears and looks at Danielle with gratitude.  Excuse me, Danielle?  Didn’t you say that you have no resources whatsoever to help out?  Here is yet another example of how two-faced this woman is.

Though she is there under the guise of helping a family in need, Danielle manages to make this pediatric cancer charity all about her.  She asks the child’s mom, “Do you feel a lot of love when you look around the room?  Feel it and keep feeling it because I don’t think anybody is going anywhere. Because I’m not.  And I brought a lot of people with me to make sure that doesn’t happen.”  She is referring to her posse of ex-cons, Hell’s Angels, and a trashy socialite.  How kind of you to bring your friends along!

The shit really hits the fan when Danielle realizes that there are not enough seats for her enormous group, most of whom have not paid.  (Reminder:  This event is attempting to RAISE MONEY.) Caroline’s husband Albert scrambles to find room for Danielle’s group to make them happy, but Danielle continues to be displeased.  She says, “I think if they were trying to make Danny and his friends feel unwelcome they might of wanted to think a little harder on that.  Big mistake.  Huge.” 

It is so sickening to see this woman, totally out of control, ruining a charity event for a child with cancer.  It’s truly shameful and so disgusting to watch.  Ex-con Danny then chimes in, “How much you gonna disrespect us before we gotta fucking wreck the joint?”  It just gets worse and worse.  Danny clearly thinks he’s still in the state pen or some seedy bar, not at an event designed to help a child in need.

Finally (FINALLY!) after lots of talking trash and making threats, Danielle decides she has had enough. She says, “People at this establishment should be ashamed of themselves.  This was about a baby.  I just want to leave with dignity.”  No chance of that, sister. 

Kim G. gives the family a check before the funky bunch heads back to their Bentley.  They have managed to make a disaster of a charity evening and they have also managed to make themselves look even trashier than they did before.  I didn’t think this was possible, but Danielle proved me wrong.  I just wonder how much worse she will continue to make herself look in upcoming episodes.  Probably much, much worse. 

Break out the Xanax!

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