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It’s been awhile, but Star, In Touch, OK! and their ilk decided to give Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie the week off as the subject of myriad ridiculous tabloid covers.

Taking Brangelina’s place in the first of the aforementioned celebrity gossip rags? A rare TomKat sighting! It’s like some editor just remembered that they exist!

We haven’t seen a good story about Katie Holmes being trapped in Tom Cruise’s evil clutches in forever (well, December), but this one makes up for lost time!

In addition to insinuating that Tom got her pregnant with baby #2 (which he is supposedly willing to give her $75 million for), Star says that Katie Holmes:

Tom Cruise in 2015
  • Is getting “prenatal Scientology lessons (whatever that consists of)
  • Is going through “agonizing” detox (of what, who the frick knows)
  • Is having her “leash tightened” (yes, they just likened her to a dog)

PRISON WITHOUT BARS: For Katie Holmes, there is no escape.

For someone supposedly under intense mind control and chained in Tom Cruise’s torture dungeon, Katie seems awfully content, albeit a little frumpy lately.

Katie and Tom first got together in 2005. Suri Cruise is thriving and cute. Everyone seems status quo and happy. Could it be that TomKat isn’t that abnormal?

That, or the perks of being married to Tom must be really good.