MTV's Jersey Shore returned with an all-new, festive, New Year's Eve episode last night, and lucky for you, The Hollywood Gossip has its weekly rundown.
Below, we break down the drama in Seaside Heights, N.J., on last night's episode five, "Just Another Day at the Shore," awarding and deducting points.
Leave a comment with your own pluses, minuses, and feedback ...
Ronnie cannot believe that while the rest of the gang tends to Snooki, who got knocked out in the previous episode, Mike is still trolling for chicks out on the boardwalk. Or, as Ronnie put it, "The Situation's creepin'." Plus 8.
One last note on the fight. Brad Ferro is a moron who should never have hit Snooki. But when you scream explatives at someone and flick drinks in his face, well, you can't say it was totally unprovoked. We're just saying, Snook. Minus 4.
These guys swear. A lot. Even in situations that don't really require profane language. There was a 20-second stretch of basically one long bleep. Plus 3.
Nice pit stains, JWOWW. Minus 2.
Ronnie, the biggest, most juiced up guido of them all, is a softie at heart and a total mama's boy who just wants his family to like Sam. Who knew?! Plus 4.
THE AFTERMATH: The gang tends to Schnookems.
Snooki doesn't eat lobster because "they're alive when you kill it." Plus 3.
The girls go tanning. At a salon. In the summer. At the beach. Minus 3.
On a warm day, the gang goes on a boat. Plus 2 for conjuring up images of Andy Samberg and T-Pain. Plus 4 more because the boat is named "Forgetaboutit."
Pauly D boasts that his hair is waterproof and windproof. Impressive, but we're calling it Even because no one, not even the great DJ Pauly D, needs that much gel.
JWOWW does not come across well in this episode. A territorial animal who goes out looking to start fights, she belongs on the National Geographic Channel. Minus 7.
Mike, Vinny and Pauly D put the moves on a group of three girls, who Pauly D notes (with a certain element of surprise, but also with respect) are nice girls who actually want to be treated like human beings and not whores. Plus 8.
Really, JWOWW's boyfriend? Flowers? You can do better man. Minus 4.
Plus 5 for Vinny hooking up with his boss' girlfriend. Vinny had done very little this season so far, and this all-out d!ck move should lead to some quality drama. Plus 1 more for Vinny christening Pauly D "the ultimate guido."
TOTAL: +18! SEASON: +37! This was probably our favorite episode so far, because it didn't stick to one overdramatic story. We got to see the guidos and guidettes do their thing and amuse us in many different scenarios. Until next week ...