The Hollywood Gossip staff is proud to bring you Tale of the Tape, in which we break down prospective matchups within the celebrity world you probably never considered. Because they are pointless, and above all, not real.
The Hills' Spencer Pratt, who's taking political science classes at USC, says: "I'm gonna run for governor. If Arnold Schwarzenegger can be governor of California, then Spencer Pratt can be the governor of California. [Heidi Montag] would be a great first lady!"
Delusions of grandeur? Let's see how Heidi Montag stacks up against a former first lady, Hillary Rodham Clinton, in a 10-round bout. Ding, ding!
Heidi Montag: Hollywood, California
Hillary Rodham Clinton: Chappaqua, New York
Heidi Montag: Former student at Fashion Institute of Design & Merchandising (dropped out), intern at Bolthouse Productions.
Hillary Rodham Clinton: Holds degrees from Wellesley College and Yale Law School, served two terms as First Lady, in second term in U.S. Senate
3. FAVORITE CLUBS
Heidi Montag: Area, Hyde, Les Deux
Hillary Rodham Clinton: Senate Judiciary Committee
4. CAREER ASPIRATIONS
Heidi Montag: Becoming U.S. President
Hillary Rodham Clinton: Singing, acting
5. HATERS' AMMO
Heidi Montag: New fake boobs, Spencer Pratt, really annoying voice
Hillary Rodham Clinton: Flip-flopping, carpetbagging, abrasive personality
6. LOVES TO BITCH OUT ...
Heidi Montag: Lauren Conrad
Hillary Rodham Clinton: Conservatives
7. SCANDALS LINKED TO
Heidi Montag: Lauren Conrad sex tape
Hillary Rodham Clinton: Whitewater
8. RIGHT HAND MAN SUCKS ...
Heidi Montag: At everything
Hillary Rodham Clinton: Cigars
9. OBAMA IS ...
Heidi Montag: A good way to describe her future music career
Hillary Rodham Clinton: Her chief competition
10. PLANS FOR IRAQ
Heidi Montag: Paying a plastic surgeon to enhance hers
Hillary Rodham Clinton: Phased withdrawal of the troops
THE VERDICT: Hillary steamrolls Heidi, 7.5-2.5, en rote to securing the Democratic nomination. Or at least Hollywood Gossip glory on this day.