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Lindsay Lohan is a careless, reckless, spoiled, drug-addicted princess with mediocre singing and acting talent.

Instead of reciting the obvious, however, we’ll reveal the details our staff has pieced together regarding this trash bag’s most recent arrest. Combing through various celebrity gossip sources has helped us discover the following:

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  • At around 2:15 this morning, Lohan was was arrested in Santa Monica for possession of cocaine, driving under the influence, transporting a narcotic into a custodial facility and driving on a suspended license. Sources say her blood alcohol level was between .12 and .13.
  • She was placed behind bars, like Jason Wahler, and freed later on $25,000 bail.
  • While in jail, a law enforcement official told TMZ that Lohan “did just about everything we asked.” However, a different official said Lindsay was “a real bitch in the field” and was “uncooperative and showed obvious signs of intoxication.”
  • According to police, Lohan’s assistant quit just hours before Lohan was arrested; and when the assistant’s mother came to pick her up, the red-headed moron gave chase. The assistant’s mother called the police, warning them that Lindsay was hot on their tail, and that she was headed for the nearest police station.
  • Somewhere, Harry Morton thanked the heavens he has gotten away from this mess in time.
  • The actress is now back in an undisclosed treatment facility.

Of course, her lawyer wants us to believe that addiction has something to do with getting behind the wheel drunk and stoned. The following statement by Blair Berk makes it seem like we should feel sorry for Lohan:

“Addiction is a terrible and vicious disease. Since Lindsay transitioned to outpatient care, she has been monitored on a SCRAM bracelet and tested daily in order to support her sobriety. Throughout this period, I have received timely and accurate reports from the testing companies.

Unfortunately, late yesterday I was informed that Lindsay had relapsed. The bracelet has now been removed. She is safe, out of custody and presently receiving medical care.”

She ought to be receiving judicial care as quickly as possible. Let’s lock her up with Mindy McCready and throw away the key.