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Y’all ain’t ready for the debut of Kevin Federline, yo!

Nor will you ever be. On principle alone, this man should never be allowed anywhere near a stage, but USA Today reports that the aspiring rap star is gearing up for his first live performance just the same.

Viewers will be “shocked” and his critics “surprised.”

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NOTE: Those are his words, not USA Today‘s. Or The Gossip’s.

As we reported yesterday, K-Fed will be performing at the 2006 Teen Choice Awards awards show August 20. He’ll rap his upcoming single, “Lose Control.”

The plan is for wife Britney Spears, who is expecting their second child in September, to be his date.

“This is my first big event, and I need her support and I want her support. If she’s feeling under the weather because of the baby, obviously she won’t be able to be there. But she’ll want to be there for me,” he said.

Aww. Federline’s career has been a complete f–king joke fairly quiet since he married Spears in the fall of 2004, and he is feeling the pressure to do well.

“It’s been building up for a long time, and the process with the album took a long time,” Federline says of Playing With Fire. “So I decided to just get out there and jump on stage. As a dancer, it was one thing, but now it’s a whole different story.”

K-Fed says that “certain dancers and performers who are good at what they do, the best at what they do” will join him on stage for the number. The much-maligned deadbeat added that he wants to prove himself “as an artist, as a rapper and as a human being in society who goes through everything everybody else goes through.”

A tall order. But stranger things have happened. Probably, somewhere.

Federline and Spears have also been collaborating in the studio, with three duets to show for their efforts. He chose one to be included on his album, but he won’t give away the title.

“It’s not really a love song. It gives my point of view of how my family is and how tight my family is. People shouldn’t believe what they’re told about us. They should listen to what comes out of my mouth or my wife’s mouth,” said K-Fed.

We are well aware of what comes out of Britney Spears’ mouth, thank you very much. Way to spell it out for us anyway. As for their marriage, he called it wonderful, and insisted that headlines suggesting otherwise simply aren’t telling the truth.

“Even with the bad stuff, you go through it, and it just makes you love each other even more. Well, in our case, at least,” Federline said.

Forgive us while we vomit out the window. The Gossip will return for another celebrity blog in approximately 15 minutes.