Barack Obama will be looking for a job in January.
And while we doubt it’s a possibility, let’s all hope the current Commander-in-Chief considers becoming a stand-up comedian.
Because it’s clear, based on the following jabs n jokes at the 2016 White House Correspondents’ Dinner, that the leader of the free world is an expert with his delivery and timing… and material.
(NOTE: Watch the full speech now.)
Look Who’s Here!
Kendall Jenner is also here and we had a chance to meet backstage. She seems like a very nice young woman. I’m not exactly sure what she does, but I am told that my Twitter mentions are about to go through the roof.
This is Not What I Had in Mind
Eight years ago, I said it was time to change the tone of our politics. In hindsight, I clearly should’ve been more specific.
On His Rising Popularity
The last time I was this high, I was trying to decide on my major.
Anxious to Leave
You might’ve heard that someone jumped the White House fence last week. But I have to give the Secret Service credit. They found Michelle, brought her back. She’s safe back at home now. It’s only nine more months, baby. Settle down!
On Visiting England, Seeing Shakespeare and Playing Golf with David Cameron
Just in case anybody is still debating whether I’m black enough, I think that settles the debate.
A Shout-Out to Harriet
If this material works well, I’m gonna use it at Goldman-Sachs next year. Earn me some serious Tubmans.
Appreciation for his VP
I love Joe Biden. I really do. I want to thank him for his friendship, for his counsel, for always giving it to me straight. For not shooting anybody in the face. Thank you, Joe.
CNN Zing!
Jake Tapper left journalism to join CNN.
A Shout-Out to a Socialist
Bernie, you look like a million bucks. Or to put it in terms you’ll understand – you look like 37,000 donations of 27 dollars each.
A Message About/To Donald Trump
Taking your lead, I wanna show some restraint. Because I think we can all agree that from the start, [Trump] has gotten the appropriate amount of coverage befitting the seriousness of his candidacy. I hope you’re all proud of yourselves.
A Shot at Republicans
Guests were asked to check whether they wanted steak or fish. Instead, a whole bunch of you wrote in “Paul Ryan.” That’s not an option. Steak or fish.
A Jab at Hillary
You’ve got to admit it, though: Hillary Clinton trying to appeal to young voters is a little like your relative who just signed up for Facebook. ‘Dear America, did you get my poke? Is it appearing on your wall? I’m not sure I’m using this right. Love, Aunt Hillary.’ It’s not entirely persuasive.
A Final, Awesome Trump Zing
In all fairness, he has spent years meeting with leaders from around the world: Miss Sweden. Miss Argentina. Miss Azerbaijan.
The Perfect Ending
With that, I just have two more words to say: Obama out.