'Tis the season for letters to Santa and Christmas wish lists. Where some kids are minimalists in their approach to the holidays, others throw absolutely everything at the wall.
Hey, you never know. Any or all of it could stick.
One of those kids was Drew Magary's daughter, who asked for everything from American Girl dolls to 5 North Face jackets to "a little thing that can turn into anything at any time."
And $1,000, of course. Cash.
Magary writes, "A child could go on a five-state killing spree and no parent would be heartless enough to actually bail on Christmas presents."
"The nice list has worse grade inflation than Harvard."
To illustrate his point, and to reveal what his daughter might find under the tree on Christmas morning, Magary decided to annotate his daughter's list item by item.
In turn, he discusses with the world all the things she will definitely not be getting when the big guy slides down their chimney on Christmas Eve.
Or when he braves the nearest shopping mall and has to decide whether or not to tase the person in front of him in line at Justice. (Probably don't do that, Drew.)
Item number 1 on his daughter's list? An American Girl doll that doesn't even exist yet. His response?
"Here is my kid asking for a present from the future...I love you, but you cannot have this, sweetheart."
That "little thing that can turn into anything at any time" is also on the No Fly list for Santa. Partly because what is it? but mostly because if it existed, it shouldn't be given to a 7 year old.
With great power comes great responsibility, you guys, and how many 7 year olds do you know who are capable of handling something like that?
Not Magary's daughter, who is also not responsible enough for the Border Collie puppy she wants. Or the iPod Touch, which Magary rants will turn even the kindest of kids into "a SLAVE to Steve Jobs' corpse forever."
Yep. That's true. In case of fire, grab the iPhone!
Never fear, guys. Magary isn't the Grinch Who Stole Christmas. His little girl will wake up to quite a few of the items from her list on December 25.
And the knowledge that she has a dad who loves her.