Another week, another torrent of drama on Amanda Bynes’ Twitter.
After threatening legal action against every celebrity gossip and news outlet reporting a “fake story” about her, she then fired off this eye-popping tweet:
“Not having hair makes me feel like a cancer patient.”
It didn’t take long for the Tweet to go viral, offense to be taken and the former Nickelodeon star to come clean – with a head-scratching excuse.
“Oh my God, let me just be the first to say: I can completely see how offense was taken. I truly apologize for the miscommunication and any and all resulting discomfort or anger.”
“I’m not a wretched person with zero sense of perspective or respect for fellow human beings; rather, the actual explanation of my statement is something far more banal.”
“No, Arendtites, not ‘banal’ as in ‘the banality of evil’ – banal as in, this was a very stupid grammatical error. What I intended to say was ‘not having hair makes me feel like a cancer: patient.'”
“That is, waiting for my hair to grow has made me a more patient person – a trait, in the astrological community, typically associated with those born under the Cancer sign.”
‘I’m actually an Aries (traditional traits: determinedness, ambitiousness, impulsiveness, and, I can now say, inexcusably poor grasp of punctuation.)”
“Not having your forgiveness makes me feel like I should have Aids.”
“Christ, I’ve done it again. I meant: not having your forgiveness makes me feel like I should have aides, lower-case and with an ‘e.'”
“Aides because I’m clearly in something of a public-relations quagmire. Please accept my second apology.”
[Crickets]
Okay.
While we certainly appreciate the long-winded, albeit perplexing explanation to Vanity Fair, does anyone believe she merely left off the colon?
Derogatory tweets have sorta been her thing since she first asked Drake to murder her vagina and started compiling the Amanda Bynes ugly list.
By her own admission, she Tweets first and thinks about it later. Is it possible this was merely a goof? Sure. But it seems rather unlikely, don’t you think?
Then again, unlike trying to get in Lindsay Lohan’s pants, trying to get inside Amanda Bynes’ mind and figure out what’s going on is next to impossible.
Let’s give the wannabe cancer patient … sorry, patient Cancer a pass on this one.