The Real Housewives of New Jersey kicked off season 5 with a "Garden State of Emergency" - and we've recapped all of the ignorance and attitude in our THG +/- review.
The Housewives return to the Jersey Shore to witness the devastation of Hurricane Sandy. Entire neighborhoods are destroyed and as someone who spent summers at the Jersey Shore, it is heartbreaking to witness.
Of course, it's a little hard to shed any tears for these women as they tour their once opulent vacation homes. Minus 15. As Caroline points out, there are real people whose only homes got swept away by the storm.
Teresa laments how she could have "drownded" if she'd been there. Plus 10. It's been a long time since I've heard a Teresa-ism.
And Melissa stares wide eyed and wonders aloud how the water could possibly have gotten inside their house. Minus 18. I just wanted to turn her around and show her the water lapping at her deck on a calm day. What part of hurricane does she not understand?
But the storm did bring about some good. Joe Guidice finally has a job doing half fast construction and Teresa's decided to give her out of date clothes to the needy because when you've lost everything, the first thing you'll need is sequined dressed and six inch heels. Plus 22.
It's been a year since our last reunion and the Gorgas and Guidices haven't spoken since.
They're all still playing the blame game, as in "if he/she really cared he/she would have called." Minus 11. Newsflash folks. The phone works both ways.
At Teresa's home the kids are calling one another jerkheads while stumbling around in blinged out heels and Joe refers to Aunt Melissa as "horsey face" to the kids. Can you feel the love?
But it truly is sad to watch the kids (in one of the show's most blatantly set up conversations yet) cry about not seeing their cousins. Minus 25.
It's like pulling teeth to get Melissa and Teresa to agree to a play date and 11 year old Gia intervenes to make it happen.
Speaking of the little princess, she grows more obnoxious with each passing season but it's hard to blame her once you meet her parents. Teresa is obviously in over her head with this one already.
The play date is civil at best. The kids are fine…it's the grown ups that can't pull it together.
First, I actually agreed with Teresa (and that doesn't happen often). Melissa needed to leave the kids alone to make their own damn necklaces. Minus 12. They're little girls. It doesn't have to be perfect to be fun.
And Teresa almost had me again when she made the offer to move her daughter's Communion party so that the grandparents didn't have to choose. Plus 20….up until she had to take the jab that she was willing to be the bigger person. Sigh. The bigger person doesn't actually point that out. Minus 8.
Over in Hoboken, Caroline and Al have rented a cool apartment overlooking the city. Plus 25…but is this about downsizing or staying close to her boys? Either way, Hoboken's a fun little city and the views are awesome.
It was actually kind of nice to see Caroline giving Joe Gorga a shoulder to lean on, considering the women in his life are all a little nuts. I have no doubt it will come back to bite her.
And Jaqueline seems to have extricated herself from the drama, although I doubt that will last long.
Watching her family handle Nicholas' autism is both heartbreaking and uplifting. It really seems to have brought them closer together as a family. Plus 30.
Kathy was so irrelevant that I can't even come up with a comment for her short segment.
But as this hour ends and a new season begins I was left with one question…
Who should win the trashiest comment of the night?
- Joe Guidice referring to Melissa Gorga as a "skank ass beyotch" or…
- ... Jacqueline Laurita announcing that the Gorga /Guidice drama is "right up there on my priority list with bleaching my assh*le."
That's a tough one.
But have faith RHONJ fans. The way this season is looking, Bravo is breeding their next round of reality TV stars right here. How long do you think it will be before we get The Real Housewives of New Jersey's Kids in Therapy?
I predict many seasons of dysfunctional success to come.
Episode total = +18! Season total = +18!