The Real Housewives of Orange County Recap: Row, Row, Row Your Boat

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Previously on the Real Housewives of Orange County, the ladies headed to Costa Rica to call Alexis out on her phoniness and materialism. And Vicki took some whacky pills.

This week the adventure continues and involves... paddling.

Down a river, of course. Read on for THG's +/- review!

The Real Housewives of Orange County Cast

We're still at dinner and Alexis is in tears because Tamra can't keep her voice down. Tamra's pretty much being a bitch right now. Minus 25.

Vicki says that at times they're all materialistic. Plus 10 for that tidbit of truth.

Gretchen tries to speak up for Alexis but ends up twisting the knife a little bit more. Alexis gets up to leave the table and Heather wants to hug it out first. Alexis says no hugs. She wants to be alone.

Gretchen gives her a head start and then goes after Alexis, but Alexis won't let her in the hotel room.

Here's the kicker - this intervention all happened before dinner was even served. Way to go, ladies. Now Alexis is crying herself to sleep on an empty stomach. Minus 10.

Back at the table, Gretchen bursts into tears because she hurt her friend by trying to both be honest and defend Alexis. Vicki decides to take Alexis her lobster dinner and after barging into the room, Vicki promptly begins to talk about herself. Minus 10.

Gretchen's gone from crying to cranky because Vicki was let inside Alexis' room and she wasn't. She's defended Alexis so many times and this is the thanks she gets?

The next morning, Alexis packs up to leave so she can go home and take care of her kids and Jim. After a night of contemplation, she's decided she doesn't see the phoniness in herself that the other women see. Plus 10 for believing in yourself? I guess?

Heather goes to visit her and say that she wants to get to know the sweet girl she thinks Alexis is and they all have things to work on. Heather may not think she's perfect, but I think she's pretty close. Because of her, Alexis decides to go on one more outing with the ladies before catching her plane back to Orange County. Plus 10.

In the car, Alexis thanks Vicki for visiting and completely ignores Gretchen and the fact that Gretchen went to check on her first. Minus 20.

The girls have a champagne picnic on the beach and Alexis pulls Gretchen aside to talk to her. Alexis acknowledges that Gretchen was upset at dinner and Gretchen chokes up when she talks about being turned away at Alexis' door.

Alexis says she felt like she was ganged up on, even by Gretchen. Alexis says that the reason she didn't want Gretchen in the room is because the minute she opened the door, Gretchen started talking about Gretchen. Gretchen's explanation was a good one and Alexis completely dismissed it. Alexis only wants to hear what Alexis wants to hear. Minus 10.

Alexis leaves and hopefully takes her drama with her.

Alexis Bellino Image

In an attempt to lighten the mood, or something, Tamra tries to pants Gretchen and Vicki. And then she grabs Heather's boobs. And then she flashes Gretchen her new-old boobs. Tamra's fun right now. Plus 10.

Vicki and Heather, the sticks in the mud, hang out on a towel and pretend to be embarrassed. Or at least I hope they were pretending. Lighten up, ladies!

Vicki arranges for the ladies to all plant a tree since they're in the rain forest. Tamra plants a "Stinking Toe" tree in honor of Eddie's ugly feet. Heather picks one with four leaves, one for each of her kids. Vicki chooses a rain tree because, according to the guide, it has the most soul. She also chooses one for Alexis since Alexis isn't there to plant it herself.

It's a really nice bonding moment. Then Vicki ruins the mood when she says "You know what's going to be sad is one day when one of us dies."

Alexis' tree falls apart when Vicki plants it. Heather notes the irony. Tamra picks Vicki's nose. (No, seriously. She did.)

Day three in Costa Rica and the girls are going white water rafting. Heather's freaking out. As soon as they see the water, Vicki and Heather's freak-out meters go off the charts. Tamra and Gretchen were okay with rafting until the guide said there are piranhas in the water.

Gretchen actually thought she'd get out of this without getting her shoes wet. Minus 10.

Vicki won't shut up and keeps forgetting to paddle. There's a whole lot of screaming in this boat. A lot. It's awesome. Plus 25.

After they survive the rapids, Heather heads home to take care of Terry and the kids while Vicki melts into a puddle of tears.

Vicki, Tamra, and Gretchen have a beer and Vicki's still emotional. Apparently, Donn's going to be sad without her. Because she won't be able to cook him dinner? And she's the one who wanted the divorce.

Vicki says that if Donn wanted her back, they'd be back, which prompts Tamra to ask "you'd go back?" And then Vicki says that she's happy where she is with Brooks. So again, I'm confused.

Then she breaks down about how she's been married and divorced twice and Briana eloped and that was so hurtful and Briana's her rock and blah blah blah. I think I like Vicki better when she's being crazy.

EPISODE TOTAL: -20! SEASON TOTAL:-240!

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