The Bachelorette Recap: It's the Climb

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The Bachelorette ran it back with another partially-contrived, unintentionally hilarious, uber-dramatic episode tonight on Memorial Day. And what an episode.

Okay, it was pretty run-of-the-mill. But between some vintage Bachelorette cliches, a romantic date with Arie Luyendyk, Jr., and some man tears, it had its moments.

After two weeks of first impressions - some good, some not - the remaining men took another shot tonight, and man oh man, things started to get REAL.

Real dumb.

Follow this link for a rundown of The Bachelorette spoilers we know now, including the (alleged) final three. Then read on for THG's +/- Bachelorette recap!

Emily Maynard, Harness

After three weeks, it's still cute that Emily's a mom. Plus 8, and Plus 4 more for the prospect of her looking as good as her mom does in her 40s.

Chris and his serial killer eyes get the first one-on-one. Minus 5 for ABC not casting him as the villain this season. Kalon's looks aren't as terrifying.

He's even wearing the Dexter shirt! Plus 4.

Minus 70 for the obligatory, recycled building-climbing date and corresponding metaphors. It is not like love, life or relationships. Please, just spare us.

Plus 7 for Chris saying she looks good in a harness though. You could see the wheels turning and Fifty Shades of Grey-esque images in his head.

Emily tells Chris he's cute. A LOT. Minus 2.

Chris actually is pretty mature for 25. Plus 14, because he still doesn't seem like stepfather material right now, but maybe he could get there.

John sees Emily holding a football and is hoping for ... a relaxed, chill day. Surrounded by a dozen testosterone-filled dudes. So chill. Plus 1.

Em tells her friends to put "y'alls detective skills to work." Plus 9 for the accent. Minus 8 for one friend saying "here for the right reasons."

Wait ... the guy with the egg is still on the show? Minus 5.

Wait, Stevie is still on the show? Minus 9.

One of Emily's friends dubs Sean "the genetic gift to the world." Plus 10, as that's kind of totally true AND when he talks, his stock rises!

Ryan tells Emily he'd still love her if she got fat, he just might love ON her as much. Yeah. Quite the statement. Minus 16, even in jest.

We thought Jef with one F actually was one of the kids at the park. Plus 5.

Sean and Doug are dominating this group date, both with friend time and Emily time. Plus 11. Everyone else is playing for third right now.

Kalon McMahon is so that name-dropping, ass-kissing, pompous douche at the high school reunion who everyone dreads seeing. Minus 7.

Tony contemplates leaving and talks to his little boy in a touching segment. One clearly drawn out to eat up time in a two-hour episode that really could be condensed to 90 minutes or even 60, but nevertheless. Cute. Plus 5.

Emily and Tony break up so he can go home. Both seem content with the decision. If only all reality TV splits were so amicable. Plus 8.

Emily Maynard, Arie Luyendyk, Jr.

Arie gets the one-on-one date and jets off to Dollywood. Emily could not be more excited ... about Dolly, and maybe Arie too. Plus 5.

Wouldn't you know it, Dolly Parton herself is there to provide a private concert! And some love advice. Who'd have guessed? Minus 3.

Dolly's been married 45 years? WOW. Plus 45.

Arie's probably texted that many girls in the time he's been on the show. Player. Minus 5 if he's truly Mr. There For the Wrong Reasons.

Having dated (and lived with) a woman with two kids is only helping his cause, though. He's Mr. Saying All the Right Things. Plus 6.

Plus 10 for Emily being so up front, all the time. Well, except when she's trying to punk Arie, but points for that half-hearted effort.

She's cute. She's not even funny but she's cute. And honest. And self-secure, yet vulnerable. Kinda the whole package. Plus 15.

Think he's as genuine as she is? That's the open question. Wash.

Whoa, first quasi-makeout of the season! Plus 10.

The already-awkward cocktail party time becomes three times more so after seeing Kalon's glasses. What a schmoozer. Minus 10.

Is he essentially implying he considers Ricki a compromise of shorts? Minus 15 ... and Minus 15 more for the condescending remark after.

Then Alessandro actually calls it a compromise. No rose for you. Minus 20. Did he not know who The Bachelorette was this season?

Aww. Arie is there to pick up the pieces and make out with her again. So suave, and so well coached by the producers. Plus 4.

Sean is really giving him a run for his money, though. The kind words about Ricki make this guy the anti-Alessandro. Plus 13.

Kissing session #2! In one night! Plus 5.

Chris Harrison sighting! Plus 3.

Plus 18 more for Ryan calling Arie a "dainty" man and for the outtakes in which Alessandro admits he dated his cousin.

No longer in the running after tonight:

  • Tony (set free)
  • Alessandro (booted)
  • Stevie (not given rose)
  • Shelly the egg (shattered)

EPISODE TOTAL: +40. SEASON TOTAL: -105.

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So irritating. Must have been vaccinated with a phonograph needle. She can't shut up!

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Free Britney,
Thanks for writting this week. I missed your format and humor!

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This chic Emily is soooooo frigin boring....OMG...ya she's a cute girl and all, but has the personality of a dried up fish...ewww... Good luck to the guy whose with her...This dude no doubt will need it....also that southern drawl is soooo disgusting....ewww... enough with the southern hospitality of North Carolina. I puked last nite....yukkkkkkkkkk

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£2.99/500MB/day
£10/1GB/30 days
£15/3GB/30 days
£25/7GB/30 days

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the yankees, angels, dodgers, and brewers are in town tonight. how much money needs to come in town before you can venture/ponder up some juicy gossip which might even be true

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emily ends up with chris harris

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Emily thinks that her "s--t" does not stink! I'm exhausted hearing about her motherhood at every turn, conversation , date, quiz...whenever she is walking , breathing & talking. Enough!!!! Have the boys answer your 50 questions about parenting & if they fail booted them out. So far we know more about the men's characters than hers; what does she offer...body , smile, sweet , warm ...any other talents? Please do us all a favor & those boys & don't drag this torture too long.