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Kim Kardashian and Reggie Bush are back together? Please. That rumor is so last week.

The latest issue of In Touch Weekly takes this chatter one… hundred steps further by claiming Kim and Reggie are making “secret plans to elope.” So secret, apparently, that they’re the topic of this tabloid’s cover story:

Earlier this month, an anonymous source tells the magazine, Kim met Reggie in Miami and “didn’t go out once,” clearly meaning the couple was plotting a quickie, quiet marriage somewhere.

Kim Kardashian and Kanye in NYC
(Getty Images)

“They weren’t seen in public together, per his request,” the insider adds.

Kim did recently tell Allure that her next relationship will be far more private, so it’s possible she and Bush are at it again, on the DL. But the day Kim Kardashian gets married away from television cameras is the day Rihanna starts dating the man who beat her to a bloody pulp again. What’s that, sidebar of In Touch cover?

Oh God no.