Teen Mom Season Premiere Recap: The Fab Four Return!

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Having children while basically still children themselves can be tough going, but Amber Portwood, Maci Bookout, Catelynn Lowell and Farrah Abraham are taking life one day at a time and making the best of their situations.

The (sometimes) fabulous foursome is back for a new season of Teen Mom on MTV. Let's break down last night's third season premiere, THG style:

Farrah and Sophia Picture

Farrah Abraham is working hard! She's in culinary school, waitressing and modeling to make ends meet. No plug for the most anticipated book of the year, though? Golden opportunity wasted there. Minus 3.

"Being a good mother is a full-time job too," she adds. Yes. Plus 5.

Not sure what's more ridiculous, the fact that Farrah claims she's getting plastic surgery on her chest "for her daughter's future," or the fact that she wrote "Here for Boobs" on a medical form. We'll call it Even.

Farrah wants a "C you can see." Plus 4, we begrudgingly admit, because she is a model and this may help her support her kid, but Minus 8 for MTV now glamorizing plastic surgery and glorifying teen pregnancy.

Contrary to reports, Ryan Edwards is paying child support, thankyouverymuch ... from his unemployment check. Way to step up, dog. Minus 3.

Meanwhile, he asks if Maci Bookout's boyfriend Kyle King, who appears to be a decent guy with an actual job no less, is "slow." What a douche. Minus 6.

Man, is it just us or are all the kids looking cuter than ever these days? It appears that two-year-olds can actually do stuff too, which helps. Plus 4.

Tyler Baltierra, Catelynn Lowell's baby daddy, who calls himself a "loser" because he's 18 and living at home. Hey man, Ryan's 22 and does it. Plus 5.

Tyler and Catelynn are, like, getting an apartment together. Good for them. Their relationship has issues, sure, but man, her mom is messed up. Plus 7.

Knowing about Amber Portwood's suicide attempt and subsequent trip to rehab makes it hard to take her already-absurd segments at face value. Minus 5.

Also hard to take seriously? Gary Shirley. Come on. Minus 3.

What do you think he weighs? No points, we're just curious.

Honestly, there's got to be someone else (hello, Chris) and while we know Amber's no prize herself during fits of rage, she's human. We feel for her. In a normalized environment, maybe she can turn it around. Plus 7 for hope against hope.

Plus 2 for that cutie Leah, too. Even if she looks like her dad.

In this case, the fact that these are quasi-celebrities detracts from the drama on screen. We know, at least to a degree, how this plays out already. Minus 4.

EPISODE TOTAL: +2.

What did you think of the Teen Mom season premiere? Discuss!

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Farrah Abraham Biography

Farrah
Farrah Abraham is the star of Teen Mom and the mother of Sophia Laurent Abraham. Sophia's father (Derek Underwood) was killed in a car... More »
Full Name
Farrah Abraham

Farrah Abraham Quotes

I felt some pain, but I was a sex warrior and I moaned louder to get Jimmy more aroused. I knew I shouldn't have been tricking myself into not feeling pain, what with my period and incisions.

I was more than ready for a shower. I didn't do a bukkake scene, but it felt like it. My body was swimming with Jimmy semen.