An early World Cup exit may have plunged Cristiano Ronaldo into an existential crisis, but Portugal's national team captain does have other reasons to smile.
The soccer stud announced today that he recently became the father of a baby boy, born in June to an anonymous American - and he has exclusive custody!
Unfortunately, the mother is not Kim Kardashian.
The news appeared on the website of his employer, Real Madrid, and Ronaldo's Twitter and Facebook pages, and does not appear to be a hoax ... we think.
"It is with great joy and emotion that I inform I have recently become a father to a baby boy," read the statement from Ronaldo, who is 25 and unmarried.
HAPPY BABY DADDY: While it's not surprising in the least that Ronaldo impregnated some random girl, the fact that he has sole custody comes out of nowhere.
"With the agreement of the mother, who wishes to remain anonymous, I will have exclusive custody of my son," added the world's highest paid soccer star.
"I request everyone to fully respect my right to privacy [and that of the child] at least on issues as personal as these are," Cristiano Ronaldo added.
Portuguese newspaper Correio da Manha says Ronaldo's mother and sisters were completing the paperwork necessary to bring the child to Portugal.
Ronaldo, whose penchant for group sex and hookers is as well documented as his on-field mastery, sure knows how to score around a goaltender.
Congratulations to the new, proud papa!