A man on New York's Upper East Side attempted to shove a literal bag of sh!te down a woman’s shorts on the street in broad daylight.
Yes, we are serious.
According to media reports, an unsuspecting 27-year-old woman was assailed from behind as she walked down 74th Street in NYC.
Only this was not your standard mugging, just ... weirder. After grabbing her waist, a man tried to shove a bag of deuce in her pants.
After groping her buttocks in addition to, or as part of this mission (it's quite unclear as you can imagine), he failed and bolted quickly.
The surveillance video below shows him chuck the bag of fecal waste - and what looks like a glove of unknown origin - after the fact.
“His hands were clean, but he’s pure filth,” the New York Daily News reports in a line that surely elicited many high-fives at the office.
While jokes that are going to be inevitable from observers under such absurd circumstances, the victim was understandably very distraught.
So much so that it took her two tries to call 911, according to a parking attendant at a garage who witnessed the incident and its aftermath.
As far as we know, the s--thead to perpetrated this crime is at large and has not yet returned to his jail or mental institution of origin.
The eyewitness reports that the woman's mother and sister arrived soon after the bizarre encounter to bring her a clean pair of clothes.
That's good at least.
Officials say it's “unknown” what species of animal - human or otherwise - produced the excrement contained in this particular bag.
You know you want to know.