No hard feelings?
Gwyneth Paltrow won a double-victory in court during the final week of March.
The jury determined that she was not at fault, and awarded her a symbolic $1 for her countersuit. (Plus attorney fees)
In the courtroom, Gwyneth approached the man who had sued her, telling him that she wishes him well.
Apparently, that was not enough. Gwyneth is sending the guy an olive branch — in the form of Goop brand gifts.
She’s not announcing it publicly. Word is that the first gift will arrive on Saturday, April 1.
We here at THG have actually gotten our hands on a list of these alleged peace offerings.
But we’re talking about Goop products, here. Please don’t take this as a recommendation.
In fact, be sure to read to the end for some really important disclaimers.
No need to be a sore winner!
Check out this list of the things that Gwyneth is reportedly sending to Terry Sanderson, whose unsuccessful lawsuit against her dominated entertainment news headlines in recent days. But, again, please always do your own research, including speaking to a doctor, before trying anything — especially Goop products — for yourself. And with this specific list, we have some helpful disclaimers based upon our own research. Enjoy!
Vagina Candle!
Maybe this one is meant to be tongue-in-cheek or just a conversation piece, but this scented candle is one of Goop’s most infamous collabs. One major disclaimer is that it does not actually smell like Gwyneth Paltrow’s vagina. If someone’s genitals truly smell like a scented candle, someone may need to go to a doctor. Or to a candle store. Something isn’t right.
Bee Sting Therapy!
Just because a woman died doing bee sting therapy several years ago doesn’t mean that everyone who has undergone it has died! Most just deal with the minor inconvenience of the agonizing pain of bee venom. Controversial among vegans because it kills bees and among others because bee stings suck, many patients rate the treatment a glowing 9 “Ahhhhh!”s out of 10. Those who survive, anyway.
Comfrey!
Comfrey teas are extremely popular, and many people apply comfrey to wounds in the hope of reducing pain and swelling. Most medical advice will strongly discourage people from applying them to open wounds or to taking comfrey by mouth, as this herb contains toxins that can cause liver damage or even death. But it has such a whimsical name!
The Diaper
This one sounds a little tongue-in-cheek to give to a 76-year-old, but it could be a great conversation piece. All-natural disposable diapers that cost $10 a piece could also just be a very nice donation. Goop actually launched this (fake) product as a joke last year to raise awareness about diaper prices, but they did make physical mock-ups as part of the ad. We hope that the retired optometrist will make a good home for these.
A literal olive branch
On the surface, this seems like a purely symbolic thing to send to someone. However, if you ask someone with silly enough hair, you’ll hear about various healing properties that olive trees possess. Not olives, olive trees — and, one assumes, their branches. Still, this one seems pretty symbolic.
Malachite glitter!
Seen here in its pre-glitter form, malachite dust is well known for its gorgeous green sparkle and for its high copper content! You don’t ever want to breathe or ingest malachite in any quantity in any shape or form, because the effects can include cancer and multiple types of genetic damage. But gosh, it sure is pretty!
A crystal ball!
Maybe it’ll make a lovely home decoration, or maybe he’ll be able to avoid legal embarrassment through the mystical power of precognition. Either way, a lovely gift. Some might advise a recipient to keep such a crystal ball by an open window to “charge” by moonlight, but given that sunlight and crystal balls can result in devastating house fires … maybe keep it covered.
A uranium glass yoni egg!
Uranium glass has long found admiration for its luminous properties, and who says that we can only enjoy a healthy glow on the outside? Some may balk at the word “uranium,” but experts in radioactivity say that, while there’s never a need to voluntarily irradiate yourself, uranium glass is probably no more dangerous than, say, eating or drinking off of lead-based cookware. And you’re not supposed to eat yoni eggs, right?
Psychic vampire repellent!
Do you find psychic vampires to be repellent? So does Gwyneth! It sounds like you might need some of Goop’s longtime product, a psychic vampire repellent. Just watch out — if spraying this sends you fleeing in the opposite direction, then you’ve just discovered something very negative about yourself. Or you might be allergic.
Lead paint!
Long before the advent of “modern science,” holistic home decorators understood the spiritually protective properties of lead paint. Decades before people began using aluminum foil to neutralize the Illuminati’s telepathic surveillance and even to block off physical places from masters of remote viewing, people lined their homes with lead-filled paint to neutralize the harsh vibrations of our chaotic world. Are there devastating health side effects that have destroyed generations of human beings? Yes. But what is medical health compared to having a vibrational sanctuary?
APRIL FOOLS
You probably guessed it already, but no part of this is true. Except for the court case stuff. Also, please do not use any of the things that we listed. Well, you can get the crystal ball, and a couple of the Goop products sound like a fine way to throw away money. Please don’t put any kind of stone into any of your holes, please don’t ingest toxic herbs, please don’t burn down your house. And always read to the end of the article — especially around April 1st.