Farrah Abraham is probably the most ambitious out of all the Teen Mom ladies.
She's opened several business within the last year, she made sure to capitalize on her fame by releasing that sex tape after the first run of Teen Mom was cancelled ...
When the sex tape was successful, she actually made molds of her genitals so she could sell her very own sex toys.
The girl's got some hustle, that much is undeniable.
Farrah is so serious about her career that she's even completed the ultimate business-minded person's rite of passage: she went and lied her ass off on her LinkedIn profile.
What's that? You've never seen her LinkedIn profile?
Well, then sit back, relax, and allow us to take you on a journey through one of the most strange and magical places on the internet ...
Your Girl Farrah
There she is! Her profile picture is recent, which we all know is important. Her most recent gig is listed right there -- her upcoming MTV dating show -- and she's got lots of connections. Maybe this will actually be fine!
It's All Downhill from Here ...
But when you scroll down a little bit, you get to her summary -- the part of the profile where she tells us all about herself and her background. And it's ... well, it's not good.
"I once saw a boy run a lemonade Stand on a corner," she writes of her very first job. "I opened my own and took all of his business and made the local news paper by being sweet & savvy! Plus I hired the neighbor kids to help me and started other local neighborhood businesses."
The Cart Girl
"I was once the cart girl at a grocery store starting at minimum wage and corperate America & had to apply 3 times before getting the job, then worked my way up the ladder to bag sacker, cashier, catering and food sampler," she recounts of her next gig. "Today I've had my own products being sold in whole foods and grocery stores, selling out." Sure, Farrah. Sure.
"I was once the girl buying all those magazines and now I'm on the cover and in magazines and am the star of every occasion," Farrah says. "I once strived to be the best in reality television and now I'm the top reality star and top 10 listed female celebrity in the nation." The top 10 listed female celebrity, guys. That's how important Farrah Abraham is.
Can She Read Though?
"I once couldn't finish a book," she reveals, "and now I made the New York Times Best Sellers List and wrote a memoir, trilogy and children's book." Don't brag too hard, girl. You may have "written" a "book," but you're still not all that great at stringing a sentence together. Finish more books.
Oh, Farrah ...
She says that "I once went to college to further my culinary skills and get degrees to have almost been failed, kicked out and cussed at by superintendent ,teachers,chefs & colleges who ruined my passion to open a restaurant . To now opening a successful quick serve concept that Is being franchised world wide that spreads passion and positivity in the food workforce with more concepts on the way." For one, notice how it definitely wasn't her fault that she nearly flunked out of school. For two, girl, your froyo shop is not that big a deal, calm down.
"I used to watch my grandpa renovate homes and now I'm building & flipping homes and making financial income and opening other related businesses successfully," she writes. Really, it's more like she's rewriting history, because as we know, she hasn't been successful at all so far at flipping homes. As much as we like to believe she's "making financial income" with it, it just doesn't seem to be the case.
"I once was a Teen Mom kicked out of my home, struggling, depressed & today now I'm the Teen Mom whose known for decreasing teen pregnancies world wide," Farrah proudly states, "who publicly speaks with national campaigns, has a successful national show that has made history and fame, that owns many properties in the u.s , opening multiple business's and is now the mom others are proud of and want business advice from and now can offer a different up bringing to her child with no struggle." Yikes ...
It looks like Farrah went to a local community college to work on her associate's degree before trying for her bachelor's at two different schools -- she hasn't finished it yet. And that's fine. But two things about this part: she writes that at her community college, she was in "Thi Bata Kappa," which ... well, it's just not a thing. It looks like she tried to remember what the name of the organization was, but those Greek letters just wouldn't stick in her head. She probably meant "Phi Theta Kappa," the national honor fraternity for two year colleges. There's that, and then she actually expects us to believe she's working towards a doctorate in finance?!?!
Causes Farrah Cares About
Spoiler: it's every cause. Every damn one of them. Sure, she probably doesn't know what the word "alleviation" means and we'd bet money it would take her at least five tries to pronounce "humanitarian" correctly, but hey, good for her.
When you get into her work history, she writes that in one of her jobs, she "Created customer base and close relationships with citizens all over the world. Provided prompt service while talking them through surveys, all in all provided the customer with great customer service." This was a job she worked doing Gallup polls when she was 17 years old.
She's an Author!
Funnily enough, this book actually isn't available for Kindle anymore. But you can still access the reviews, and the top review for this book? "Right when I thought Farrah Abraham couldn't embarrass herself anymore, she did."
The Songbird of Our Generation
Remember when Farrah tried to start a music career? And remember how she failed miserably? Yeah, apparently she didn't only sing the songs, but she worked hard on "writting" all the music, and she even did some audio engineering! You believe her, right?
A "Valued Social Economic Cuase"
What, you DON'T quote yourself on your own LinkedIn profile? Get on Farrah's level!
Making History with Plastic Vaginas
Just ... bless her heart.
Shaping the World for Top Success
What even is this? What is she talking about? Is she even trying to make sense anymore?
The #1 Reality Star
... She does know that other people watch the show, right?
Our Favorite Cam Girl!
This is the part where Farrah argues that because people take racy selfies to share on social media, "sexiness" is now "widely excepted." So why not fist yourself on a live stream?