29 WTF Quotes From Lena Dunham's New Book

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You need to read the whole thing to do it justice, but these 29 quotes sum up Len Dunham's new book pretty effectively.

1. Mmm. Delish

Lena dunham in marie claire

When I was nine, I wrote a vow of celibacy on a piece of paper and ate it.

When I was nine, I wrote a vow of celibacy on a piece of paper and ate it.

2. Adam Driver Rules

Lena dunham and adam driver

Most people’s jobs don’t consist of slamming your vagina against the flaccid, nylon-wrapped penis of a guy wearing massive amounts of foundation to conceal his assne.

Most people’s jobs don’t consist of slamming your vagina against the flaccid, nylon-wrapped penis of a guy wearing massive amounts of...

3. The Joys of Penis

Lena dunham in gif form

Intercourse felt, often, like shoving a loofah into a Mason jar.

Intercourse felt, often, like shoving a loofah into a Mason jar.

4. Magical Sexual Moments

Lena dunham butt selfie

I was sure I had already broken my hymen in high school while crawling over a fence in Brooklyn in pursuit of a cat that didn’t want to be rescued.

I was sure I had already broken my hymen in high school while crawling over a fence in Brooklyn in pursuit of a cat that didn’t want to...

5. A Teddy Bear With Boobs

Lena dunham in bed

I was being desexualized in slow motion, becoming a teddy bear with breasts.

I was being desexualized in slow motion, becoming a teddy bear with breasts.

6. Do What You Gotta Do

Lena dunham at the met gala

There I am, drunk on a spring night, yanking my tampon out and hurling it into a bush outside the church.

There I am, drunk on a spring night, yanking my tampon out and hurling it into a bush outside the church.

7. Go Play With Your Sister

Lena dunham red carpet photo

My mother didn’t bother asking why I had opened Grace’s vagina. This was within the spectrum of things that I did.

My mother didn’t bother asking why I had opened Grace’s vagina. This was within the spectrum of things that I did.

8. Vaginal Pain

Lena dunham mean muggin

I associate pain in the vagina with weakness and sadness.

I associate pain in the vagina with weakness and sadness.

9. Vagina Equals Britney

Young britney spears

If you have a vagina, by birth or by choice, you will be called 'mami' or 'sweetie' or 'Britney Spears.'

If you have a vagina, by birth or by choice, you will be called 'mami' or 'sweetie' or 'Britney Spears.'

10. She's a Pleaser

Lena dunham as hannah

I learned to masturbate the summer after third grade.

I learned to masturbate the summer after third grade.

11. Who Hasn't Been There?

Lena dunham blonde hair

Once, when I was five, I was at an art opening talking to a fabulous drunken British lady.

Once, when I was five, I was at an art opening talking to a fabulous drunken British lady.

12. Early Male Admirers

Lena dunham at the emmy awards

A year later I have to change my screen name because a boy at school, a massive hairy boy with a face like a Picasso painting, sends me an email saying he’s going to rape me and cover me in barbecue sauce.

A year later I have to change my screen name because a boy at school, a massive hairy boy with a face like a Picasso painting, sends me...

13. Barbie is What?

Real life barbie

Barbie’s disfigured. It’s OK to play with her just as long as you keep that in mind.

Barbie’s disfigured. It’s OK to play with her just as long as you keep that in mind.

14. Self Reflection

Lena dunham at the 2014 emmys

One night I put on a nightgown, stepped onto the porch, looked up at the moon, and said, 'Who am I?'

One night I put on a nightgown, stepped onto the porch, looked up at the moon, and said, 'Who am I?'

15. So Arousing

Lena dunham twit pic

My earliest memory of sexual arousal is watching Jackie Earle Haley as Kelly Leak in Bad News Bears.

My earliest memory of sexual arousal is watching Jackie Earle Haley as Kelly Leak in Bad News Bears.

16. #INVENTED

Lena dunham blonde hair

My mother invented the selfie.

  • Permalink: #INVENTED
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My mother invented the selfie.

17. Coming of Age

Lena dunham wins

I am 20 years old and hate myself. My hair, my face, the curve of my stomach. The way my voice comes out wavering and my poems come out maudlin.

I am 20 years old and hate myself. My hair, my face, the curve of my stomach. The way my voice comes out wavering and my poems come out...

18. A Thin Line

Lena dunham in bed

Revulsion can quickly become desire when mixed with the right muscle relaxants.

Revulsion can quickly become desire when mixed with the right muscle relaxants.

19. Veganism FTW

Lena dunham in marie claire

This was the same year that I became a vegan. This was inspired by a love of puppies and also a cow who winked at me on a family vacation to Saint Vincent and the Grenadines.

This was the same year that I became a vegan. This was inspired by a love of puppies and also a cow who winked at me on a family vacation...

20. Shower Thoughts

Lena dunham no makeup photo

I am thinking particularly of a shower I took where the lower half of my body was under the running water and the upper half was laid out on the bath mat, eating a loaf of bread.

I am thinking particularly of a shower I took where the lower half of my body was under the running water and the upper half was laid out...

21. The Ultimate Story

Lena dunham snl pos

drama, jealousy, drunkenness, friendships ended and cats inherited.

The story has everything
drama, jealousy, drunkenness, friendships ended and cats inherited.

22. Oh, Woody Allen

Woody allen and soon yi

marriage, the afterlife, Woody Allen.

Over time, my belief in many things has wavered
marriage, the afterlife, Woody Allen.

23. College Life

Lena dunham smile

I was allowed to take my puppy to gym class. My best friend played a didgeridoo he bought off the Internet.

I was allowed to take my puppy to gym class. My best friend played a didgeridoo he bought off the Internet.

24. No, Seriously, College RULES

Lena dunham smile

I'd create my own schedule that served my need to eat a rich snack every 5-15 minutes.

I'd create my own schedule that served my need to eat a rich snack every 5-15 minutes.

25. The Cool Kids

Lena dunham dancing

The coolest clique at school was a group of rugby-playing, neon-wearing lesbians.

The coolest clique at school was a group of rugby-playing, neon-wearing lesbians.

26. OBGYNs

Lena dunham in gif form

He is an older Jewish man who, before deciding to inspect ladies down there for a living, played for the Mets. He inserted the speculum as he described his wife’s commitment to her spin classes.

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He is an older Jewish man who, before deciding to inspect ladies down there for a living, played for the Mets. He inserted the speculum...

27. Three Essential Truths

Lena dunham smile

I am hot. I am hungry for a snack. But mostly, I am alone.

I am hot. I am hungry for a snack. But mostly, I am alone.

28. True Friendship Is ...

Taylor swift and famous friends

I have the nagging sense that my true friends are waiting for me beyond college, unusual women whose ambitions are as big as their past transgressions, whose hair is piled high, dramatic like topiaries at Versailles, and who never, ever say 'too much information' when you mention a sex dream you had about your father.

I have the nagging sense that my true friends are waiting for me beyond college, unusual women whose ambitions are as big as their past...

29. Girl's Got Style

Lena dunham red carpet pic

My mother and I have a massive fight when I choose to wear a banana-printed belly shirt and pink leggings to the Vatican.

My mother and I have a massive fight when I choose to wear a banana-printed belly shirt and pink leggings to the Vatican.

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Lena Dunham Quotes

My mother and I have a massive fight when I choose to wear a banana-printed belly shirt and pink leggings to the Vatican.

I am 20 years old and hate myself. My hair, my face, the curve of my stomach. The way my voice comes out wavering and my poems come out maudlin.