You need to read the whole thing to do it justice, but these 29 quotes sum up Len Dunham's new book pretty effectively.
1. Mmm. Delish
When I was nine, I wrote a vow of celibacy on a piece of paper and ate it.
2. Adam Driver Rules
Most people’s jobs don’t consist of slamming your vagina against the flaccid, nylon-wrapped penis of a guy wearing massive amounts of foundation to conceal his assne.
3. The Joys of Penis
Intercourse felt, often, like shoving a loofah into a Mason jar.
4. Magical Sexual Moments
I was sure I had already broken my hymen in high school while crawling over a fence in Brooklyn in pursuit of a cat that didn’t want to be rescued.
5. A Teddy Bear With Boobs
I was being desexualized in slow motion, becoming a teddy bear with breasts.
6. Do What You Gotta Do
There I am, drunk on a spring night, yanking my tampon out and hurling it into a bush outside the church.
7. Go Play With Your Sister
My mother didn’t bother asking why I had opened Grace’s vagina. This was within the spectrum of things that I did.
8. Vaginal Pain
I associate pain in the vagina with weakness and sadness.
9. Vagina Equals Britney
If you have a vagina, by birth or by choice, you will be called 'mami' or 'sweetie' or 'Britney Spears.'
10. She's a Pleaser
I learned to masturbate the summer after third grade.
11. Who Hasn't Been There?
Once, when I was five, I was at an art opening talking to a fabulous drunken British lady.
12. Early Male Admirers
A year later I have to change my screen name because a boy at school, a massive hairy boy with a face like a Picasso painting, sends me an email saying he’s going to rape me and cover me in barbecue sauce.
13. Barbie is What?
Barbie’s disfigured. It’s OK to play with her just as long as you keep that in mind.
14. Self Reflection
One night I put on a nightgown, stepped onto the porch, looked up at the moon, and said, 'Who am I?'
15. So Arousing
My earliest memory of sexual arousal is watching Jackie Earle Haley as Kelly Leak in Bad News Bears.
My mother invented the selfie.
17. Coming of Age
I am 20 years old and hate myself. My hair, my face, the curve of my stomach. The way my voice comes out wavering and my poems come out maudlin.
18. A Thin Line
Revulsion can quickly become desire when mixed with the right muscle relaxants.
19. Veganism FTW
This was the same year that I became a vegan. This was inspired by a love of puppies and also a cow who winked at me on a family vacation to Saint Vincent and the Grenadines.
20. Shower Thoughts
I am thinking particularly of a shower I took where the lower half of my body was under the running water and the upper half was laid out on the bath mat, eating a loaf of bread.
21. The Ultimate Story
drama, jealousy, drunkenness, friendships ended and cats inherited.The story has everything
22. Oh, Woody Allen
marriage, the afterlife, Woody Allen.Over time, my belief in many things has wavered
23. College Life
I was allowed to take my puppy to gym class. My best friend played a didgeridoo he bought off the Internet.
24. No, Seriously, College RULES
I'd create my own schedule that served my need to eat a rich snack every 5-15 minutes.
25. The Cool Kids
The coolest clique at school was a group of rugby-playing, neon-wearing lesbians.
He is an older Jewish man who, before deciding to inspect ladies down there for a living, played for the Mets. He inserted the speculum as he described his wife’s commitment to her spin classes.
27. Three Essential Truths
I am hot. I am hungry for a snack. But mostly, I am alone.
28. True Friendship Is ...
I have the nagging sense that my true friends are waiting for me beyond college, unusual women whose ambitions are as big as their past transgressions, whose hair is piled high, dramatic like topiaries at Versailles, and who never, ever say 'too much information' when you mention a sex dream you had about your father.
29. Girl's Got Style
My mother and I have a massive fight when I choose to wear a banana-printed belly shirt and pink leggings to the Vatican.